Logs and Shanties

On the boat with my homies
Lil Jake is going crazy, not really knowing where he's going
And wanting to row
I say we didn't really check up on him
From the beginning he was playing with his oars
Splashing over Fi, and laughing with glee
(Ok)

She got real angry - she got us feeling like she's ready to blow
(No doubt - no doubt)

She said "don't splash me" (echo)
And she got up and whacked his head with an oar
And promised Jake there was more
And that told him, I guess

Joe, Jake, crew of Woodcut, we'll come to catch you
Joe, Jake, crew of Woodcut, we'll get your topping lift
Josh, Fi, skip and mate, we'll commandeer you
Josh, Fi, next thing we knew, there was reeds and panicked screaming

Joe, Jake, watch....where...you're...........going
Joe, Jake, watch....where...you're...........going

Josh was running with the main out
And he was thinking that it might be a good idea to let Joe have a go
He's ready to flow
(Let's sail!)
But the wind's dying down now
Happens every time - he's a guaranteed no breeze
It's all in the trees

But Joe - no! Don't take that chance, don't sail into the lees
Cos Josh knows, if you sail like that you'll be fending on bended knees
You gotta get down low, we're about to gybe, boom will knock you out with
ease Joe thought "no chance" stayed on his feet, from the boat he was about
to leave So I said:

Joe, Jake, crew of Woodcut, we'll come to catch you
Joe, Jake, crew of Woodcut, we'll get your topping lift
Josh, Fi, skip and mate, we'll commandeer you
Josh, Fi, next thing we knew, there was reeds and panicked screaming

Joe, Jake, watch....where...you're...........going
Joe, Jake, watch....where...you're...........going

On the 'cut looking so conspicuous
Pikachu looking so ridiculous
Wow! All these boats all on the prowl
If you don't watch out I'm a hit your bow
And forget about Tarn I'm a spit the truth
Gonna lead the fleet on our own rooooute
With blahblahblahblah Andy aboard
He's sitting up front but he's on the ball
We cut up the cruisers and through them mowed
Got on the wrong side of river patrooool
Wow how they hate us now damage bill coming up 300 000
Let's face - we ain't have to please
As they see us go past their smiles all freeze
Josh says let's go, get away from the mate
She's a lady on the bank but a freak in the boat

Joe, Jake, crew of Woodcut, we'll come to catch you
Joe, Jake, crew of Woodcut, we'll get your topping lift
Josh, Fi, skip and mate, we'll commandeer you
Josh, Fi, next thing we knew, there was reeds and panicked screaming

Joe, Jake, watch....where...you're...........going
Joe, Jake, watch....where...you're...........going

Run down, then I'm tacking back
Lil Joe got the skills to make the water go like that [hand action]
Run down, then I'm tacking back
Lil Jake on the helm make your heart go whack [hand action]
Run down, then I'm tacking back
Mate Fi got the voice to put the crew on the rack
Run down, then I'm tacking back
Skipper Josh in charge of a boat? It go Crash!

This video was made for the Sunday service at Horsey, to illustrate the difficulty of 'running the race' i.e. living a Christian life, if sins (or in this case, flippers, weights and a laundry basket) are hindering you.

Safety warning: don't try this at home, kids. Chris isn't acting at the end.

Some members of team pointed out that the duty tent was a little small this year. Surely not! Gareth demonstrates that although apparently small from the outside, the duty tent has Tardis-like properties.

Note: no tricks were employed in the making of this video.

Still unconvinced that the duty tent was big enough, a small but dedicated cadre set forth to prove those doubters wrong. All together now... "One! Member of Mallards team. Ah ah ah ah..."

Note: no tricks were employed in the making of this video.

Dan teaches an impromptu English class. The subject? Explaining to southerners how to speak properly. Pay attention at the back.

As I sail through the waters of the Dyke of Meadow,
I take a look at my boat, and realise I need a tow.
Cos I been quanting and tacking so long that
I could've spent the time on a plane to Hong Kong.
But I ain't never capped a skipper that didn't deserve it,
Treated me like a bilge, you know that's unheard of.
You better go about when you see me tacking,
Or you and your boat will feel the wrath of my bowsprit.
And you'd better buy me ice cream when you're in the shop,
And get the kettle on every time I'm stopped, FOOL
I'm the kinda guy who doesn't warn when he gybes,
Better stay on your knees or you'll soon see the streetlights!

Been fending for our lives livin' in a Mallards paradise
Been quanting once or twice trying to keep my rubbish strip alive
Been leaning off the sides trying to stop my cabin yacht capsize
Been fending for our lives livin' in a Mallards paradise

Forget about the mudbank, I been stuck on,
Got my kettle on the brew, and a cake in my mouth,
But I gotta be back for the showers,
Too much B.O. in my pits has made your face go sour.
I'm an educated skipper with a C.R.B.
I pop a cap in your crew, but you can't touch me.
Got a low-ride gangster boat with alloy cleats,
Diamonds in my tiller and fluorescent sheets, FOOL!
Leather padded seats and golden crutches,
I make the Queen look a pauper with my finishing touches.
My quants made of silver: I don't want to use it.
I'm'a blaps off your head if you dare abuse it!

If you quant for free, you can ride with me
But I'll warn you first, I got Weils disease.

Been fending for our lives livin' in a Mallards paradise
Been quanting once or twice trying to keep my rubbish strip alive
Been leaning off the sides trying to stop my cabin yacht capsize
Been fending for our lives livin' in a Mallards paradise