Logs and Shanties

Once upon a time the mates got restless,
Being bossed around is such a bind.
We thought we'd take a boat and go out sailing;
We thought that Andy Sellick wouldn't mind.

Alas our plan was flawed,
The skipper jumped aboard,
Hoola-hoop was too weak to pin him down!
We tried to quant away,
But Andy wanted to stay.
Can't push him in - as then he would have drowned!
The mates rebellion,
The mates rebellion,
We are the mates,
You wish you were one too!

We tried to drop our skipper on the bank.
We thought that he would like to go ashore.
But Neville had been waiting on his cruiser;
Instead of being free, we gained one more!

Alas our plan was flawed,
And Neville jumped aboard,
He and Andy messed with all the lines.
They threw the mudweight in,
And untied everything;
We got ticked off - but then they went away!
The mates rebellion,
The mates rebellion,
We are the mates,
You wish you were one too!

So then we went and sailed around on Barton.
We were having fun just sailing round.
But unbeknown to us while we were heeling,
The mudweight fell right in without a sound!

We turned in to the Ant
And found we had to quant,
We tried to tack, but found we got nowhere.
With cruisers all around
We still had made no ground;
And the posts - they gave us quite a scare!
So our advice to you
'f you ever have a crew
Is always check your mudweight's stowed away!

Well skipper was just sittin back, he's chillin on the bank with his friends
then skipper tries to jump aboard, he slips down and his life ends

So i cant sail with my skipper no more
No i cant sail with my skipper no more
And i cant sail with my skipper no more
Yeah i cant sail with my skipper no more

Well skipper he was doin good, he was tipped as the next commadore
he just got his instructors license, you'll find it stuck to his fridge door

So i cant sail with my skipper no more
No i cant sail with my skipper no more
And i cant sail with my skipper no more
Yeah i cant sail with my skipper no more
-crowd participation-
Now was his life wasted or exactly how it was meant to be
Not every skip'r can be remembered and go down in history
So i cant sing about skipper no more

No i cant sing about skipper no more
And i cant sing about skipper no more
Yeah i sing about skipper no more
Yeah i sing about skipper no more...

Drinking all your squash got me peeing from the shrouds,
its hard to keep it off my feet as we go about,
when we moor at Irstead, the bushes arent the place to be, to pee!
Have to use the cruiser cause the dogs will want their tea, from me!!

Well, the toilets on the starboard side, the toiiileeeeeetssss!
Well, the toilets on the starboard side, the toiiileeeeeetssss!

When you've done your business then its time to flush it out,
theres no running water so you gotta pump it down,
remember to lock both doors, or you'll look like a clown, pants down!
the walls are pretty thin, so try not to make a sound, as it goes down...

Well, the toilets on the starboard side, the toiiileeeeeetssss!
Well, the toilets on the starboard side, the toiiileeeeeetssss

Half a quant,
Half a quant,
Half a quant onwards
All through the doldrums of Potter
Quanted Wood Violet
'Forward that quanting, mate
Charge for that tree' he said
All in the doldrums of Potter
Quanted Wood Violet.

Houses to the left of them
Houses to the right of them
Houses in front of them
Trembled and shuddered
Stormed at with quanted power
Advancing hour by hour
We stop to draw a breath
As the holiday makers cower
Forward Wood Violet

Not tho' the crewmate knew,
The skipper had blundered
Theirs not to reason why
Theirs not to make reply
Theirs but to do, or die
Onwards Wood Violet.

Seated one day on the quayside,
I heard a welcome shout from the cruiser, come and get it...
Jam roly poly and custard
A chorus of yums ran round the mooring, yum yum yum yum yum yum...
All except for Rachel who pushed away her plate, got up from her seat and said,

I don't want any part of it.

What, why not?

I don't eat custard

Eh?

I won't eat custard

Huh?

I don't eat custard

I must be going deaf

Eating custard is wrong

It's wrong?

Don't eat custard

Have you gone clean out of your mind?

I won't eat custard

What's the matter with the crew?

Don't eat custard

She keeps on repeating

Eating Custard is through

But Kestrels have always eaten custard, what else is there to eat? If the Commy had meant us not to eat custard, he wouldn't have made it so sweet!

Don't eat custard

Oh no, not again.

I won't eat custard

All the day long

Don't eat custard

She keeps on repeating

Eating Custard is wrong.

Well, I've never heard of a more ridiculous idea in all my born days. To think that a friend of mind should grow up to be a sissy, me, mate of the assistant to the assistant mate. I suppose you realise girl, if this was to get around we might never get to Wroxham station.

I won't eat custard

Have you been talking to one of your skippers again? Your not getting to be one of those cranks that think that eating custard is cruel, are you, you see the duck on the packet and think she's suffering? Oh it's not like that at all. Why, she's just had an invigorating run through the factory. She's sitting there on the nice shiny packet with all the instructions and nutritional information. She's thinking 'oh the pleasure and happiness I'm going to give to a whole heap of people' that duck on the packet there, she enjoys it.

Eating Custard is wrong.

Look you, I admire your sincerity, always be sincere whether you mean it or not. You're crew and when you're crew you think you can change the whole cruise overnight, even eating custard. I know, I know, I am crew myself. Take it from your old friend - you've just got to learn to take the cruise as it is.

I won't let another spoonful pass my lips.

I know why you say 'don't eat custard' because you are a coward, Rachel, a yellow livered coward. You wouldn't mind eating custard if you weren't so afraid of ending up cooking it yourself. How despicable. Go on like this and you're liable to get me into boiling water.

I won't eat custard

That's enough

I don't eat custard

I don't want to...

Eating custard is wrong

Harrier!

Going around saying 'don't eat custard' that's the way to make people hate you! We always have eaten custard; always will eat custard - You Can't Change Kestrel's Nature.

I won't eat custard
I don't eat custard
I won't eat custard
I don't eat custard
I won't eat custard

Must have been something she ate,

I give up, I give up. You used to be a regular Kestrels Crewmate. If this crazy idealistic idea of yours was to catch on, I don't know where we would all be. It would just about ruin Katie's entire week's food plan. Fortunately, I suppose, its catching on isn't very likely. Why, you might just as well go around saying 'Don't eat biscuits' for example...

'Don't eat biscuits?' (both laugh)

Oh that's my girl

Both: Ridiculous.

The broads were wet as wet could be,
The reeds were dry as dry,
You could not feel the wind because,
No wind was in the sky.
No burgees flying overhead
There were no flags to fly.
The skipper and the commodore
Were walking hand in hand
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of land
'If we could only sail away,'
They said, 'It would be grand!'
O Kestrels come and sail with us
The skipper did beseech
A pleasant sail, a pleasant tale,
As the mooring place we reach,
We cannot do with more than four
To give a place to each.
And four young kestrels hurried up,
And yet another four
And thick and fast they came at last
And more and more and more,
All jumping onto train platforms,
And scrambling to the shore.
The skipper and the commodore
Sailed on a mile or two,
Then they rested on a bank,
To have another brew
And all the little Kestrels stood
And waited for the loo
'The time has come' the skipper said
To talk of many things, of tacking
And of quanting, and of sailing round in rings
Of why the mooring's freezing cold
And why the Commy Sings...
'But wait a bit' the Kestrels cried
Before we have our chat
For some of us are hungry now,
And cake would help save that
'No Hurry' said the Commodore,
They thanked him much for that.

'A length of rope' the skipper said
'Will help to seal the deal'
Shackles and a cleat or two
Are very good I feel
Now if you're ready,
Kestrels, dears
We need to clean the keel.'
'But not with us!' The Kestrels cried,
Turning a little blue.
After such a kindness that would be
A dismal thing to do!'
'The day is fine' the Skipper said
'Do you admire the view'
'It seems a shame' the Skipper said
To treat them quite so mean
After we've brought them out so far
And they were quite so keen!'
The Commodore said nothing but
'We'll never get this clean'
'I weep for you' the Skipper said.
'I deeply sympathise'
With sobs and tears he sorted out,
Those of the largest size
Holding his pocket handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.
'O Kestrels' said the Commodore
'You've had a pleasant run
Shall we be sailing home again?'
But answer came there not,
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd keel-hauled every one.

'This is turning into a distinctly boring situation'
'Oh no!' we heard the mournful cry,
As Edward did his friend espy,
Across the flowing waves.
But leaping bravely for the helm
The Skipper was not overwhelmed,
Young Edwards friend to save.
The Mate she threw herself prostrate
To save him from his watery fate,
Beneath the flowing tide.
As Edward wept and mourned the while
And Emma struggled not to smile,
As the Skipper came on side.
The Skipper swiftly turned about,
To find Ed's friend not too far out,
The brave mate hauled him in,
And passed Ed back his dearest friend,
Warned him his wayward ways to mend,
And Ed began to grin.
And so you've heard our morning's tale,
Of how a team can bravely said,
To deal with even that,
And as you see, young Edward here
Is safe and sound and in good cheer
For we did save, his hat.

Here at night
On a lost and lonely point of sail,
Held in time
As the lee bank looms our skipper wails
Going home
We just can't make it all along
We really should be tacking now, tacking now,
Gybing now, gybing now...

(pause for 8)

Scandalize!
When the wind's too strong
And we can't go on we
Scandalize!
When the wind blows hard
And our day is marred it's
Hard to bear
With no sail to speak of
We're going nowhere, we've
Scandalized.

When a cruiser's close
And we're near a post
We Scandalize
When the wind blows hard
And our day is marred it's
Hard to bear
With no sail to speak of
We're going nowhere

To and fro,
The boom swings back and hits the mate
'Mind the post'
But then we realise we're too late!
Down we go,
We're slowly drowning all alone,
We really should have
Tacked the boat, tacked the boat
Gybed the boat, gybed the boat.

Chorus x2

Bacon in the morning and there's eggy bread to come,
The tea is in the brewing and the quiet times are fun.
Then we wash the dishes, we just have to get it done,
But we don't want to sail, so we leave the awning up.

I know it's Kestrels, but it's B cruise all the same,
Sailing is the means and not the end.
Cake is the purpose, it's the reason that we came,
Just one thing you need to understand

Chorus:
Well I don't feel like sailing, neither in the sun or rain,
I'll sing your silly songs but you can put those sails away
You'd think that I'd know not to book, but I keep coming back again
Still I don't feel like sailing skipper, no sailing today
Don't feel like sailing, sailing,
Why'd you raise the sail when I'm not in the mood
Don't feel like sailing, sailing,
Skipper can we moor and we'll put on a brew
Don't feel like sailing, sailing,
Even if I did, I don't think I'd ever wanna sail with you.

Bridges mean mean that we stop at the chip shop you can buy
Chips or battered sausages, or fish or even pie
If you want an ice cream you can pick out one you like
But Linda likes to sail so we don't have a lot of time
And sailing is slower as we pass the bungalows
You'd think that it couldn't get any worse
Now we're head to wind as we approach dyke of meadow,
Skipper says the sails won't get it done...

Chorus:
But I don't feel like quanting neither in the sun or rain,
I'll sing your silly songs but you can put that quant away
You'd think that I'd know not to book, but I keep coming back again
Still I don't feel like quanting skipper, no quanting today
Don't feel like quanting, quanting,
Why'd you make me quant when I'm not in the mood
Don't feel like quanting, quanting,
Skipper can we moor and we'll put on a brew
Don't feel like quanting, quanting,
Even if I did, I don't think I'd ever wanna quant with you.

Don't feel like...
Sailing, quanting, cooking, cleaning, waking, washing, bilging, mopping, shooting, tacking, gybing, running, reaching, mooring, show'ring, singing...

There's a hole in your mainsail
You who know all the answers (oh-oh-oh-oh)
You say quanting ain't magic
And expect me to tttrrryyyyyy it!

Goodbye Kestrels A
You promised you would keep us
But we ate too much
Goodbye Kestrels A
You have all the engines
But don't sail that much
If your engine's not working
Your number is up
Your quantpole is lurking
Are you man enough?!
Oh-whoa-oh-oh
Oh-whoa-oh-oh
Oh-whoa-oh-ooohh-whoa-ooh-ooh

So busy showing me where I'm wrong
You forgot to put your awning on (oh-oh-oh-oh)
Your sailing is so superior, is it not?
You put the mudweight in and forgot the knot!

Goodbye Kestrels A
You promised you would keep us
But we ate too much
Goodbye Kestrels A
You have all the engines
But don't sail that much
If your engine's not working
Your number is up
Your quantpole is lurking

Are you man enough?!
Oh-whoa-oh-oh
Oh-whoa-oh-oh
Oh-whoa-oh-ooohh-whoa-ooh-ooh