Logs and Shanties

Matt:

Kestrels is in uproar; custard creams have been going missing. The crew are becoming restless and violence could ensue. The authorities have dispatched their trusty agent 006, James Gunton.

Enter James, shooting a water pistol into the audience.

Song (to the tune of 'Goldfinger'):

Cold fingers... come along and sail the Broads with me... on Kestrels B;
Cold fingers... sail your boat through sleet, hail, rain and wind... but don't fall in!

Matt accuses Ed:

At first, James investigated a suspicious box-like device stored on the cruiser. After dismissing suggestions that it was a tissue box, a hat, a commode and a poorly designed flute, James decided that it was most likely to be a covert device for storing stolen custard creams and sending morse code messages back to his evil super-villain lair.

James checks inside cajon, but finds no custard creams.

Rachel accuses Emma:

James' suspicions were also aroused by the sweetly sociable Emma, ever the gracious hostess - but are her attentions too good to be sincere? Could it be that while she was innocently checking boats on their welfare, she was in fact using it as a diversion to steal the custard creams?

Rhona accuses Rachel:

James' attention then moved to his final suspect. The male crew of Wood Violet weren't best pleased when they were forced to wait for their dinner on Monday night due to the absence of Miss Chadwick. The story she tells us is that her glossy, flowing locks and dedicated make-up ritual require at least 45 minutes of attention. However, James suspected that in fact she was using this time to infiltrate the Wood boats' defences and so to steal all the custard creams.

James embarks on search for custard creams, and finds packet after packet hidden on the cruiser.

Alex, wearing one sailing glove:

Yes! It was I, Dr Coldfingers. The world will soon learn too late of my diabolical plan to sequester the world's custard cream mountain in my evil lair, in the heart of a Norfolk volcano. The resulting loss of confidence will destroy the bloated western economies, with their history of gorging on creamy, custardy filling encased in that crisp, biscuity shell. And now, Mr Gunton, you will realise the full cost of your foolishness. Your attempted heroism will cost you dearly. You will cook my breakfast until you can take no more!

James:

Am I expected to talk?

Alex:

No, Mr Gunton, I expect you to fry!!

I am Matt, eating custard,
And I really cut the mustard,
And I like sailing on the Broads.
Oh my tummy's getting fatter,
from the hot and creamy matter,
I am Matt, I am Matt, eating custard.

I am Matt, eating crumble,
And I never, ever grumble,
And I'm the best skipper on this cruise.
I love the energy it gives me,
'cuz I don't drink any tea,
I am Matt, I am Matt, eating crumble.

I am Matt, watch me sail,
Even through a howling gale,
And through a lot of snow and hail as well.
From Barton to Horsey Mere,
Let us all give him a cheer,
I am Matt, I am Matt, I am Matt, I am Matt, I am Matt, I am Matt.

1. Place crewmember precariously on cabin roof. Ensure fender is attached.
2. First challenge is to knock him overboard. If crewmember is still on boat after gybe, increase precariousness, proceed to violent tacking and gybing.
3. The first step is to establish the welfare of the crewmember. Call outs should include:
   • "Don't worry, you're an inanimate object, you're not going to die."
   • "Don't worry, we are going to lunch, but Kestrels A are staying out."
   • "Don't worry, the Broads Monster winters at Horsey."
   • In extreme cases - "Have you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Saviour?"
4. Sail away on a beam reach. If it is your skipper who has gone over, inquire as to what a beam reach is. Do this before three boat lengths.
5. After 10 boat lengths, begin to think about turning round. [SHOUTS]
6. Tack onto a broad reach, while you are at it, why not a dual approach? With two in the water, your chance of picking one up increases by 100% - after all, points mean prizes.
7. Continue on a broad reach until sufficient space has been left to slow down. At this point, it may be wise to check if your inanimate object is still concious. If terminal, leave him there for more practise.
8. On approach to the sodden crewmember. When picking up a man, remember your health and safety priorities - fenders are hard to replace, and you will need one to moor.
9. Once on board, stow in stern locker. The thermos of hot squash and the bilge sponge is all they need to get back on their feet.
10. If you have failed in your quest for missing crewpersons, never fear, one down means more food for the rest of you.

Andy: Excellent, I'll just step out into this blizzard, adjust my galoshes and... there! I can actually stand so the snow is trickling down my neck. Wonderful!
Alex: No! Come inside - I'll put a fire on and give you a nice hot chocolate.
Andy: Oh - what?! You've ruined it! Now I'm warm and comfortable on a cozy holiday when I could be happily shivering outside...

Do you LOVE SNOW? Do you wish you could stand outside and get SOAKING WET? Do you long for the freedom to plunge into ICE-COLD SEWAGE and bathe in its sticky glueyness? Do you want to risk HYPOTHERMIA in COMPLETE SAFETY?

(technically untrue, casualty rates may go up as well as down)

Then come to KESTRELS B WORLD, Norfolk's Premier Boating Adventure Experience! Spend a magical time in the prescence of all manner of Norfolk waterfowl in the Duck Proximity Flume! SENSATIONAL!

Andy: Darling, are they ducks?
Alex: Yes darling, I think you're right!
Andy: Wonderful darling! I'll write it in my book!

And don't think there's no NIGHTLIFE! Experience the exhilaration of single combat with a pair of MALODOUROUS SOCKS and a pair of DAMP WELLIES as you WRESTLE for mastery of the Sleeping Bag Zone! Watch your mind turn to JELLY and attempt to stave off MADNESS as you experience the Snoring Arena!
Who can it possibly be?
Grapple with INSOMNIA!
Is that an OUTBOARD ENGINE?
Is that a man sawing WOOD?
Could ANYONE possibly have that much PHLEGM in their face?!

And what about the FOOD? Our chefs know how to cook up a storm, and IN a storm! Do you like RICE? We have BOTH kinds - overdone AND underdone! And all SCALDINGLY HOT!

(not guaranteed. Some food may contain traces of ice and snow)

And when your holiday ends, why not take home a SOUVENIR of your visit? You'll have blisters, bruises, cold sores, and choose from our range of high quality BURNS - Rope Burn, Wind Burn, Sun Burn - and all SEARINGLY painful!

Or why not SPLASH OUT on something truly AGONISING? Choose to lose feeling in one, two, or even THREE of your toes for up to SIX WEEKS after your visit!

(not guaranteed - effects may or may not be temporary)

So, when you need to GET AWAY from it all - take leave of your senses, and BOOK NOW!

"KESTRELS B - messing with your head AND your wallet!"

Jenny: Take 1.
Alex: (gives Emma choice of which boat to be on)
Emma: I want to go on a boat that has fun people, people who like to sail, bit of an adventure...
Sarah: Cut! Hang on, this isn't right. Tell 'em what it's about Mr Docherty.
George: It's not about the sailing. It's about the FOOD.
Emma: But... adventure? Fun?
George: (firmly) It's about the food.
Matthew: So... a boat that has lots of food... yeah?
Sarah, George, Matthew: (general agreement, suggestions of foodstuffs leading to desserts, then - )
Sarah: We know, don't we. Only one thing will do. (telepathic signalling)
Sarah, George, Matthew: (knowing looks, sounds, that's the badger etc.)
(Sarah whispers something to Emma)
Jenny: Take 2.
Alex: (as before)
Emma: I want to go on the boat that has... (doubtfully) the richest, yellowest, creamiest, custard.
Jenny: Punchline.

Steam is rising, kettle's boiling for tea,
We all need tea.
Bacon frying, porridge turning to goo,
It turns to goo.
But when we've eaten, we find strength to face the day.
And after breakfast all the plates are washed away,
Washed away.

(chorus)
On Kestrels, on Ke-estrels
Why is it so cold this week
I can't even feel my feet.
On Kestrels, on Ke-estrels
Frozen precipitation
Causing us consternation.

Hear the sound of cruisers driving too fast,
They can't get past.
In the boatyard broken boats are made new,
And quantpoles too.
But when we've slept in we find strength to face the day.
And after breakfast all the plates are washed away,
Washed away.

(repeat chorus)

Matt: Later on BBC1, Springwatch, with Bill Oddie and that northern bird whose name nobody knows. But now, a brand new series, of Strictly Come Quanting.

THEME TUNE

George: Hello. I'm Bruce Forsythe.
Sarah: And I'm Tess Daly.
George: Welcome, to a brand new series of Strictly Come Quanting. Nice to see you, to see you... NICE! We have a variety of talent for you this evening, but enough about me and Tess.
Sarah: To help us with the competition we have some knowledgeable, professional and slightly soggy judges. What are your expectations for this evening?

(the judges mutter among themselves)

George: Now on with the quanting. We have six delightfully unpracticed quanters this evening. Let's begin.
Sarah: Our first quanter hails from the sunny climbs of Durham, where quanting is not just a way of life, it's a means of survival. DAN EVANS will be quanting the Foxquant. Rhythm is everything in this quant - let's see if he can live up to the challenge of maintaining a good posture while performing those tricky and romantic steps. Will Dan and his partner, Quant Avens, please take to the floor.

(Dan, completely unrehearsed, gets up and dances in a disturbingly sensual way with his quantpole for several minutes, while Matt improvs some suitable guitar, to much appreciation from the audience)

George: Judges, please reveal your scores.

(the judges produce some random numbers. Matthew adds "o" to the end of most of his sentences in an amusing impression of one of them)

George: Our next quanter is currently a student but devotes all of his free time to quanting. Some of his other interests include eating and kahonning. One of the more flamboyant characters in the sport, tonight will be a real treat. Eduardo will be performing the Quantango with his partner Quant Rose. The Quantango is a passionate and dramatic quant which requires a certain 'je ne sais quoi'. Would Eduardo Andrewson please take to the floor.

(Ed, looking slightly bewildered, dances passionately and dramatically for several minutes)

(the judges reveal their scores)

Sarah: Our next quanter performs with medical precision. Her neat moves impressed the judges in the preliminary rounds - let's see what she has to offer today. She will be performing the Quant Step, a lively quant that is female led and requires the quanter to stay on their toes. Would Raquelle Morrell and her partner Quant Hustler please, take to the floor.

(Rachel gets up and dances energetically and enthusiastically in a surprisingly bouncy manner for a few minutes)

(the judges reveal their scores)

George: Our next quanter is unable to disclose his exact profession. This international man of mystery has been dazzling foreign audiences for years and we are delighted to have him here this evening to perform the Viennese Qualtz. This is a subtle and tantalising quant, the twirls and spinning a challenge to even the most accomplished quanter. Let's welcome Andre Sellique, and his partner, Quant Violet, to the floor.

(Andy gets up looking confused and stands mainly motionless while carefully rotating the quantpole for several minutes)

(the judges reveal their scores)

Sarah: Our next quanter is a man of action, a.k.a. a father of two. He also has a very nice dress sense - please take an opportunity to admire his muscular bo- buoyancy aid. Phil will be quanting the Gybe, a quant that has a real kick and requires both strength and stamina. Please welcome Phil and his partner Quant Anenmone to the floor.

(Phil dances energetically and passionately with his quant, to much approval)

(the judges reveal their scores)

George: Our final quanter is a true professional. Working hard and under pressure are his forte, and he never misses an opportunity to show who's boss. Alex will be performing the Pasaquante. This dance is all about machoism and allows the quanter to really stamp his authority. With cape in hand, this should be a real show. Please welcome Alex and his partner Quant Snot to the floor.

(Alex is given the keys to the cruiser and a tea towel rather than a quantpole, and dances in an exotic and flamboyant style reminiscent of a flamenco)

Sarah: Now, for the officially fixed results. The Strictly Come Quanting Champion Quanters are... Phil, and his partner Quant Anemone!
Sarah: (to the quant) How do you feel?
Sarah: That's beautiful. (to Phil) And how about you? Sorry, we've run out of time.
George and Sarah: Remember, keeeeep quanting!

Each peach pear plum;
I spy potential fun.
Potential fun for you and me;
I spy Kestrels B.
Kestrels B on the broads;
I spy hungry hordes.
Hungry hordes out sailing;
I spy the weather failing.
Weather failing, hail and snow;
I spy Rachel Mo.
Rachel Mo likes her heating;
I spy a skippers meeting.
Skippers meeting, tea in cup;
They DON'T spy the washing up.
Washing up, done and dusted;
I spy next-stop Irstead.
Once at Irstead, no shore loos;
I spy a worried cruise.
Worried crews search for bogs;
They spy the scary dogs.
Scary dogs force a decision;
I spy a sailing expedition.
The expedition leaves on cue;
I spy a contented crew.
But crew are frantic, they are heaving;
I spy a cruiser weaving.
Cruiser weaving causing furore;
Here comes the Commodore!
Commodore, soon with little nipper;
I spy a future skipper.
Skippers sail from side to side;
I spy what their trying to hide.
Trying to hide suspicious holes;
I spy half a quantpole.
Quantpoles mended in the boatyard;
I spy hot cust-ard.
Hot custard in the sun;
I spy everyone.