Logs and Shanties

Verse 1:
A gallant young commodore was standing one day
On the banks of the River Thurne
He gazed at the Kestrels as they sailed the wrong way
He didn't look all that concerned

Chorus:
Quant, quant, glorious quant
On a day's sailing what more could you want?
So follow the cruise, back to the loos
And all join together in a glorious dump

Verse 2:
The crew of Wood Anemone were true Kestrels B
They hardly did aany work
The idea of chocolate always filled them with glee
As they sailed to the shops through the murk

Bridge:
Away on the cruiser sat drinking their tea
The lazy ones warmed up their bones
They watched us with laughter as we struggled with fenders
And called out some useless advice

Chorus

Verse 3:
Our white-hatted skipper was sailing along
Perjoratively manning the helm
The well-watered mate on the shrouds remained long
As he emptied his bladder of squash

Chorus

Verse 1:
I wake in the morning and I put on my pants
I pull back the awning and I do a girly prance
I descend to the well and I greet my sleepy crew
Then it's off to the cruiser for a mahussive...

Chorus:
Quant, tack and straight into a tree
I am the Lord of the Broads said he
If you find me aground, or blown onto the lee
It's because I've stopped for a cup of tea

Verse 2:
He wakes us up at seven just before he's brushed his teeth
His dentures are horrendous and they cause us endless grief
He really needs a shower but we couldn't tell him that,
It really needs resolving cause he smells like...

Chorus

Verse 3:
I may have no credentials and experience I lack
But I'm a sailing natural and that's a well known fact
He always shoots the bridges but the mast is long forgotten
If there's washing to be done you'll find him sitting on his...

Chorus

Verse 4: (MAY BE OMITTED)
My haut couture's fantastic and I'm famed for scrambled egg
If Delia were a skipper I would take her down a peg
My crew don't understand good food I'm really tired of it
Cause they seem to think my cooking simply tastes like...

Chorus

There he was just a-tacking up the Bure
Hating Doo wah diddy diddy um diddy doo
Andy Sellick and his crew of Wood Sorrel (emphasis on *rell*)
Hating Doo wah diddy diddy um diddy doo

He looks mad [he looks mad], he looks male [he looks male]
Does he really think he knows just how to sail?

He loves marmite and he hates hawaiian shirts
Singing doo wah diddy diddy um diddy doo
He's in denial surely it isn't the whole cruise (matt made this bit up it doesn't make sense!)
Singing doo wah diddy diddy um diddy doo

He looks bad [he looks bad], he looks crazy [he looks crazy]
His snazzy shirt makes your vision go all hazy

Now let us name and shame his mate and the crew
Singing doo wah diddy diddy um diddy doo
In the hope that this song will really annoy you
Singing doo wah diddy diddy um diddy doo

They look scared [they look scared], their teeth are bared [teeth are bared],
They're reaching for their shotguns torches and pitchforks....

Forget about good china, say goodbye to civilisation.
Don't use a plate to catch your crumbs you'll have to wash it later
And in a short time we'll require tea towel incineration

It's the edge of Norfolk I hope you all have vaccinations
Enjoy the holiday all thanks to Kestrels Corporation
It's understood and jolly good there'll be crew exploitation

Chorus:
Pay your skipper by the hour with cake to take you sailing
Last out first in it is no sin for tea is what you're craving

Waking up at dawn, Get that brew on
Coffee in-heavy application
Coffee in-heavy application

Verse 2:
Hoist up the sail let your jib unfurl use some astronavigation
You reef so high that you just as might have a main sail amputation
The boom hit-so-hard that it gave-me-a-scar I need some medication

Obstruction of our yachts may cause boat bank amalgamation
Filling up the cruiser-with-dumps means it needs a pumping station
And please remember after 9pm we practice segregation

Scorn and hate for those who haste to get us all a-sailing
Breakfast lunch and dinner our priorities unfailing
Waking up at dawn...

There was an old skipper who swallowed a cleat,

I don't know how, he swallowed a cleat,
That's pretty neat.

There was an old skipper who swallowed a sheet,
A sheet is a thing you fix to a cleat.

He swallowed the sheet to fix to the cleat...

There was an old skipper who swallowed a sail,
That's quite a big mouthful he looks rather pale.

He swallowed the sail to pull with the sheet...

There was an old skipper who swallowed a mast,
It took him all day but he's finished at last.

He swallowed the mast to hoist up the sail...

There was an old skipper who swallowed that bit that the mast fits into,
We don't know what that bit's called.

He swallowed that bit to stand up a mast...

There was an old skipper who swallowed a hull,
That's quite a lot now, he must be quite full.

He swallowed the hull to fit to that bit...

There was an old skipper who swallowed some varnish,
[spoken] Well, if you've got a hull you've got to varnish it, haven't you?

He swallowed the varnish to put on the hull...

There was an old skipper who went to the loo...
He passed a whole boat, we swear that it's true.

He swallowed the varnish...

[spoken in a deep voiced American accent. Bits in brackets sung by backing singers]

Kestrels B presents... Real Men of Genius (real men of genius)

Tonight we salute you, Mr Wood Boat Designer (mr wood boat designer)

When Norfolk needed a modest yacht with the capacity for up to four people to live in relative comfort, you stepped up to the challenge. Shunning those who said it couldn't be done, you fit a living area, cooking facilities, a bathroom, storage space and three bunks into the space equivalent to a small cereal packet (crunchy nut cornflakes).

And if that wasn't enough, you garnished your creation with additional home comforts; coat hooks, a sink without running water, and a mirror... at groin height (really useful).

But the Broads are a rough place, and your boat's gonna take a few knocks, so what are you gonna do? You're going to protect your wooden yacht with a thin strip of the most durable material known to man... more wood (polished mahogany).

So crack open a fresh packet of custard, boaty boy, cos when we're in Norfolk looking for a classy meal aboard a quality yacht with acres of headroom, you can bet we'll be knocking on your cabin door (really comfy).

[spoken in a deep voiced American accent. Bits in brackets sung by backing singers]

Kestrels B presents... Real Men of Genius (real men of genius)

Tonight we salute you, Mr. Angry Cruiser driver (mr angry cruiser driver).

You're away from the city on holiday for a week of stress free cruising, but that's not going to stop you from yelling at people (really angry).

Left, right, left... where's that sailing boat think it's going? Only you can direct them, with your high volume vocal projection and superior knowledge of everything (stupid sail boats).

Why should you slow down for them when they're taking up so much of the river already? They should get out of your way. Why? Because you're Mr Angry Cruiser Driver, that's why. Blaring horns, profanity... all in a day's work for you (get out of my waaaaaaaay).

And when the evening draws in and it's time for bed, you can sleep soundly knowing that your vessel is securely tied to the bank with your instinctive mooring skills (triple clove hitch).

So crack open an ice cold beer, Mr Angry Cruiser driver, because one more isn't going to impair your judgement, even in the slightest (drive it like a caaaaar).

I used to think that sailing was enjoyable,
Going round the broads sometimes in sun,
Eating food from fine plates,
Little tiny loos,
Then I found out that my mate was you...

Chorus:
Then I felt the boom!
Now I'm in the water!
Didn't hear, a 'ready about'.
I'm all wet (AAAAAAAAAAH)
I'm going under, and now I wonder, why I came...

I tried to teach my crew to do man overboard,
They didn't seem to get it very well,
Tried it with a fender,
Hit it once or twice,
If they could fish me out it would be nice...

Chorus:
Then I saw the bows!
Steaming towards me!
Not a sign, of slowing down
I need help (AAAAAAAAAAH)
I need it quickly, try not to hit me, get me out...

Chorus
I shot Ludham Bridge
But I did it in a force 8 breeze
I shot Ludham Bridge
And now I'd like a new mast please!

Verse 1
All around in the boat land
Where the storms, they reign supreme
We are sailing on the river
And the skippers, they start to scream

Verse 2
For the bridge was fast approaching
It appears we have gathered speed
We attached it with our forestay
But the bridge, was stronger that it first seemed

Chorus
I shot Ludham Bridge...

Verse 3
As we went under, the forestay was cleated
Indeed the gate was still in place
When we came out, skipper was defeated
Yet the mast crashed down on his/her face

Verse 4
And the crew and the shrouds were entangled
Flaring limbs and halyards everywhere
After shooting the bridge they were mangled
I'm still standing, the mate, and my message is clear

Chorus
I shot Ludham Bridge...

Verse 5
We were chased by the river inspector
He said we damaged broads property
As you know I am a master quanter
And we escaped their clutches with time for tea

Chorus
I shot Ludham Bridge...