Logs and Shanties

(Written to commemorate the legendary bravery / stupidity of Delphinium's football rescue attempt, which left them firmly aground on Barton Broad Island, right next to the 'Danger - Shallow Water' signs).

Right said Col, someone take the tiller,
One good quant and we're off the leeward bank.
Some no hoper started up the motor
And so we had a custard cream and
Right said Col, have to call in Neil;
Up comes Neil rowing round in Rose.
Got the sails down, then we dropped the weight down
We were getting nowhere
And so we had a custard cream and
Neil had a think and he thought we ought to,
Try and use a tow rope,
That post should give us some hope.
But it did no good, well we never thought it would.

All right said Col, get her leaning over
If the lea-rails under she should slip-off alright.
Moved our weight round, the loo flooded, the mate drowned.
Should have got us somewhere, but no.
So Col said lets have another custard cream
And we said 'right oh'.

Oh right said Col, have to try and winch it,
Get three turns on and crank the handle round.
Got the winch in, the bow had moved an inch in,
And that got us nowhere
And so we had a custard cream.

Right said Col, have to take the crew off,
Bring in poppy and take 'em all aboard.
Took the crew off, the skipper nearly flew off
And it got us nowhere
And so we had a custard cream and
Neil had a think and he said look Col,
We'll have to call in backup,
Tarn can take the slack up.
She'll tow you back if the throttles on full whack.

All right said Col, gunning up the throttle;
Take the quantpole and push off from the stern.
Tarn shot forward,
Then drifted off to leaward,
Ended up stuck firmly aground
So me and Neil dumped the crew on the cruiser
and then we went home.

1. Freezing in the morning
Colder in the evening
I've never had an icicle on my nose
My skipper keeps on shouting
I don't know what I'm doing
I've never held a poo in for this long

If my mum could see how much I eat
She wouldn't feed me for a week
I'm going home three stones heavier

Chorus: Let anyone who, thinks they can hold a poo,
For a day or two
Come on and jump aboard
(repeat)

2. I try to keep the boat clean
But it's hard to stay keen
When my personal hygiene is so bad
12 hours working
12 hours hallucinating
this is the part the brochure never told

If Matt Redman could see what we've done
To his glorious number one
He'd make sure we could never sail again

There once was a bilge boy named Dave,
who gallantly rowed like a slave.
Ferrying girls from the banks,
though it was worth it in thanks -
the hugs & kisses proved he was the fave.

Now we all know how illustrious our commodores are - Clare with over 30 camps under her belt, Neil a qualified RYA instructor. And we all know that the professionals of the broads are the boatyard men, who work on the river day in, day out. So as Wombat Classic slid past the camp's cruiser Finesse we thought we had nothing to fear. How wrong we were.

Finesse showed a decided lack of finesse as it left the mooring and decided to U-turn in Womack dyke at the very moment we (the Wombat) came screaming past. With the dyke now blocked and the chance for get-out options passed, we were left with no option but to point right at them and accelerate to ramming speed. The sight of our bow sprit coming at them seemed to bring out the Belgium in them - they continued to move further into our path, then wavered, before deciding to return for chocolate.

Next time you try to navigate Womack Dyke 'be afraid, be very afraid'.

Who am I?

1. Today alone I have run aground 3 times.
2. Day after day the number of sweet wrappers, scraps of paper and love letters shoved into my now over-flowing nooks and crannies increase
3. The crew who are supposed to be learning to sail on me, are instead content with learning how to destroy me

That's right, my name is Delphinium. Many years ago I started life as the pride of the Broads, but the years have taken their toll. This past week has seen me age a good several years alone! This Easter week is always the one I dread.

I'm going to bed tonight with awful back pain. Some joker thought the best way to get me off my bum whilst I was having a quick 5 minutes on the island at Barton was to disconnect my main artery - the mainus halyardus - wrap it round a marker post until something... anything... happened! I was just taking the weight off. Hey, I need a break from time to time and frankly, the way I'm treated no-one can be surprised. I was going to move, but only in my own good time. (I just love winding Neil up, you should have seen his face! It did highlight something for me though - my bum is getting a little bit big - I need to work on that).

I'm no fool though, this abuse doesn't go un-avenged. First Andrew. When I saw him making for me on Saturday my blood pressure went through the roof. He's well known around these parts - the wood and Buttifant boats won't have anything to do with him, and I can see why now. Every night this week I've been to bed with a headache, I just had to put him in his place. So when he boarded Granny - Poppy the dinghy - I though 'perfect'. Sure enough when he was about to jump back on me, right on cue as we'd arranged, Poppy had one of her 'turns' and in you go Andrew - SPLASH!

Then Andy, 'the boss'. I rely on skippers to keep the crew in check to ensure I stay looking my best, but this guy is slacker than that Andrew Bowring's trousers! Revenge was exacted whilst he was quanting. I made sure I veered away sufficiently to ensure the quant would do nothing but drag him in - SPLOSH!

Onto Rachel, the dark horse, the quiet, sinister one. I've not trusted her from day one. I'm uneasy about the amount she eats, I'm starting to think that I'm at risk of her taking chunks out of me if Helen doesn't keep the food coming. Whilst attempting to release Tarn (an old flame, but that's all in the past now) from her shackles at Hunters Yard - the Hilton of Norfolk Mooring. I had to stop a night at Martham last week, Oh my word! Anyway, I called in an old favour from Tarn and sure enough, SPLASH. Oops.

Then Anneka. I had had enough today, and so when she needed a good, highly tensioned, shroud when I unexpectedly leaned over to break wind, there wasn't one. Oops, my mistake. She deserved it though, nobody stuffs me into that many reed banks and gets away with it. I'm a nervous wreck whenever she's on the helm!

So there's just one day's sailing left. That makes me both happy and sad. Happy that it's just one day, sad that there is still... one more day.

Today was interesting in many ways. I didn't think that it was possible to have a mass murder, engine failure, various flying crew members, ice cold hair washing sessions and a mast climbing championship all in one day. However, I have to admit that the most surprising thing of all was- the fact that Horizon left the night mooring place first!!!! Yes we did have to miss inspection and eat breakfast underway, but still we were gone before Womack Classic and all the other big headed crews that think that they are better than good old Horizon.

Anyway, enough about today, the crew of Horizon have put together our top ten memories of the cruise for your enjoyment. In reverse order:

Number 10: The auctioning of crew members. I can't remember exactly which day it was- it all seems a bit of a blur now! But, sometime during the week Mr Andrew Bowring (who unfortunately wasn't privileged enough to be part of the crew of Horizon but somehow ended up on our boat) and Mr Christopher Harrison were lazing around on Horizon. Surprisingly enough they didn't seem to helping much and I would even go as far to say that they were getting in the way! At this point I would like to add that I am sure that this was an isolated incident and that I am in no doubt that these particular crew members were slaving away 24/7 for the rest of the cruise. ANYWAY as these particular crew members were being of no use we decided to set up K-bay. E-bay the Kestrels way. The bids came well, slowly trickling in and the final selling price was two custard creams.

Number 9: Well number nine is basically the unlimited skills of our marvellous skipper Tore. What can I say? Tore is incredible. He can do anything. And just remember anytime you want a great big black hole burnt in your cooker cover, or a post bashing into; Tore is your man.

Number 8: As you might have noticed our crew (if you don't mind me saying) were excellent at bop-it. Since Monday certain members (Harrison) have been suffering from withdrawal symptoms from the much loved not at all irritating game. So Tore, being the sympathetic skipper he is decided to take the place of bop- it as he will demonstrate now. For those of you reading this log at a later date I will leave this part of my log to your imagination as I am sure by now the lovely music is going round and round in your head.

Number 7: As we explained earlier in the week we renamed Fair or more commonly known Fat lady. We now hope that she will be treated with the respect that she deserves. We held a renaming ceremony to formally introduce New NOT Broad Horizon to the rest of her fleet. Here we pushed the boat out (sorry! that's awful!) by opening a bottle of Tesco value, sugar free, low calorie lemonade.

Number 6: Number 6 had to be the chocolate cake. Luke and John make the best chocolate cake and are consequently very good people to have on your boat! It may be slightly wonky in high winds but still yummy!

Number 5: On behalf of the crew of Horizon I would very much like to thank Chris Harrison for bringing his lovely, sticky, greasy, slimy, sparkly, and yet rock hard hair gel to kestrels! It was very much appreciated by all!

Number 4: This afternoon Luke decided to take some flying practice and attached a rope swing to the end of our boom. Unfortunately for him the ropes were placed in some rather awkward places! But do not worry he has lived to tell the tale.

Number 3: Coming in at number 3 could only be our boat, simply a vision of glory. Next year Clare, expect the chocolate bribes for Fair Lady- a real boat!

Number 2: At number 2 (notice they are getting considerably shorter as everybody falls to sleep) is the sailing or rather lack of it. At this point I think it is appropriate to add that today Chris Harrison asked our mate what a jib was. Obviously learnt a lot from this year and last year to think of it!

Number 1: Drumroll please: is the fantastic, amazing, marvellous, spectacular crew of Horizon (not that we are bigin ourselves up or anything). Despite Chris leaving his dirty boxers all over the boat, Luke's obsession with hats and bananas, Emma being constantly cold, Tore's well lack of sailing ability and I couldn't think of anything bad about me- any suggestions you know my email address- we all had a really great week!!