Logs and Shanties


Quanting Lord of the Rings style

by Alex, Laura, Ruth, Phillipa / harriers b 2004
Following an incident where a cruiser had broken the head of Lullaby's [Carol's] quantpole.

[Lord of the Rings music]
The world is changed. I can feel it in the broadswater; I smell it in the loos. Much of what was is lost, for none now live that remember it.

It began with the forging of the Great Quants. Three were given to the L boats, longest and fastest of the Hunter boats. Five were given to the Wood boats... and nine, nine were given to the Harriers skippers, who above all desire power.

But they were all of them deceived. Deep in the wastes of Buttifants Boatyard, the Dark Lord Sauron forged, in secret, an auto-quant. One quant to rule them all, one quant to find them, one quant to bring them all and on the mudbanks bind them.

The Quant passed to the creature Gollum [Mark receives the broken head of quant] ...

[Laura, in a creapily Gollum-like voice- "The trees, they wants us, precious; he makes us use it, he makes us use the precious, master wants to quants us- the trees, they are are friends; the trees call to us- they are are friends" you don't have any friends; they hates us"] who took it deep into the Misty Marshes of Essex, the stronghold of Princess Linda.

[Star Wars music, and sudden change of voice]
In a desperate bid for the future of the Rebel Alliance, Princess Linda flees from the clutches of Darth Sauron, encoding the plans for the One Quant into a droid. The droids escape in an e-mail to summon help from an old Jedi in Malvern.

"Help me Andrew Edmondson, you're my only hope"

[Alec Guiness:] "I have not been called Andrew Edmondson in a long time... a long time."

Do you know him then?

"Yes. He's me...

"In the old days, the Quanters were the guardians of peace and justice on the broads...

"This is your father's quantpole. An elegant weapon, from a more civilised age. [whispered] Keep it secret, keep it safe." [lots of zjumming]

Summoned by Princess Linda, Andrew Edmondson gathers the skippers around him.

"Colchester space port: you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villany. We must be cautious."

[LotR music]
Summoned by the lure of the Master Quant, the nine skippers gather at the Council of the Ancient Elven City of Colchester. They are the Nazgül, the Nine. So tired, they are neither living nor dead. They will never rest until they achieve the auto-quant.

[SW music]
Hitching a ride with a maverick scoundrel skipper [Carol] on her rag-tag ship, with a wookie, guitar-playing mate [Matt], the plot shifts bizarrely and crowbar-like to an improbable quantpole-breaking episode, probably caused by an explosion on the home planet of Alderaan.

Carol, the canny Jedi Quanting Master [LotR music] with an uncanny resemblance to Aragorn, son of Arathorn, calls on the elven smiths of Hunter's Yard to reforge the quant that was broken. And it all turns out well in the end.