Logs and Shanties

• A baby grebe having a piggyback on its parent.
• The commodore of A cruise demonstrating the subtle art of how the new cut was made on the Bure to celebrate the new millennium.
• Cruisers peeling right, left, right, left, like a motorcycle display team as Carol approaches aboard Lustre.
• A row of four boats all perfectly in line after lunch stern to wind.
• Mr T. and the B team stern on to the staithe ready for that all action jump in the boats and straight off to action.
• Southern Comfort changing course and getting out of the way- for me- the sight of Bure Classic's bowsprit and the damage it can cause is obviously legendary amongst the locals here. Or had someone told them about Stephen's skill on the helm?
• The sight of Hurricane living up to its description in the brochure- a luxury motor sailing yacht.

Hi, and welcome back to 999. If you want help or information on how to avoid dangerous accidents involving red-hot pokers, please call the 999 hot line. Now, I'm sure many of you have been on a sailing cruise. The thrill of high winds, scenic views, and especially the social enjoyment of talking, sailing and cooking with friends. But what happens when it all goes wrong? Our next reconstruction shows the dangers involved with such situations.

Skipper: I was just cooking spaggy bol for our tea. It was going really well and we were all having a laugh.
Mate: We were using corned beef, as we had no fridge for real meat.

Within minutes, a happy moment, turned into a life-threatening encounter for Ivor Biggen (not his real name).

Mate: I was opening the can, and the key, it just slipped from my hand, and broke off half way round

(Dur dur dur!)

Skipper: I volunteered to open it, and decided to do so with my hands. I pulled hard, and it just slipped (Argh!).

In a flash he was knocked unconscious, his blood gushing at an alarming rate.

Mate: I didn't know what to do, so I ran into my bedroom and pretended to be asleep, like the 'Muppets Guide To Sailing' told me.

Ivor managed to regain consciousness by smelling a nearby pair of shoes. He then crawled to his room, and picked up his mobile phone, and dialled 999. The operator told him to get up, stand up, and strut his funky stuff. He then realised his injury had affected his brain, and he had dialled 666. Finally his first mate 'Senior Willy' (also not his real name) came to the rescue by putting him in the recovery position and dialling 999. The ambulance arrived and the paramedic on the scene was Major Bumsaw, but that is his real name so don't diss. He advised Ivor to:

M. Bumsaw: Have both his legs amputated

Ivor didn't agree and punched him. Senior then rang 999 again. They were both saved and lived happily ever after.

Senior Willy's quick thinking saved Ivor Biggen and Major Bumsaw's lives. But would you be able to dial 999 in a such like situation? We recommend you buy the 'Muppet's Guide To Using a Mobile Phone'. For details, call the 999 hotline. Until next time my friends, goodbye, and stay safe.

No tins of corned beef were harmed in the making of this programme.

I guess now it's time
For us to go home
I feel it's time
I've got your autograph in my bible
I've got my scripture union logo on my coffee mug
Logo, logo, logo
We've had a lot of fun and friendship
And the leaders have made me see
I gotta go home, gotta change my community

Chorus:

Whatever I said
Whatever I did, I didn't mean it
I was playing electrically (going home, going home, going home for good)
Wherever I've been
Whatever my sin, I didn't mean it,
I was acting mentally (going home, going home, going home for good)

Unaware and refined
Ed read a bedtime story, it wasn't good
And in the corner of my mind, I wished I was in Horsey
But that just wasn't to be
We've drove the leaders mad and shouted ourselves hoarse
Gotta go home, gotta choose my A level course.

Chorus

I remember when we used to sail
In the Norfolk Broads near Norwich
Observing the wildlife
And mingle with the good people we meet
Good wind we had, heh,
Good wind we lost
Along the way----
And in this wooden boat, you can't help

Chorus

• Respect Water, whether you're drinking it, boiling it or falling into it, it's a pretty useful thing.
• Avoid pirates, especially drunken ones with inflatable mascots dangling from the Bow.
• Ration your food, the combination of you being a muppet and you sailing, may result in long periods of time away from civilisation; stranded, like a beached jellyfish, and as lost as Phil Neville in an England match.
• Do not use the crutches as scissors, they won't work.
• Don't use a bed sheet for a rope, that would be pure stupidness. What kind of fool would use a rope as a sheet for example.
• Have a shower whenever possible, due to the high content of rat's wee in the water, you will smell.
• Do not use the mop as an imitation wig, and jump around saying "Ooh, look at me, I have longhair" you are likely to become a social outcast.
• Avoid annoying titanic impressions which died a death 3 years ago, like "I'm King of the World" or "Jack, oh Jack". You are likely to be forced to walk the plank.
• Not falling in is always a good plan, but if this cannot be avoided then try and do it spectacularly during the week. Don't for example slip in to Hunter's yard on the last day whilst removing the awning, that would classify you to 9.7 on the muppet scale.
• And finally, if in doubt, do the sensible and the mature thing.. run into your bedroom and pretend to be asleep, using vigorous snoring sounds to aid your deception.

Stick to these rules, live by them, and I'm sure you'll be going home with your head held high at the end of the week, rather then your pride shattered due to the crew using your pokerdot Y-fronts as a burgee.

Remember that buoyancy aid your got me
It was red and Blue
You told me the technical terms
And showed me how to use the loo

Chorus:
Because You're my skipper
I'd do anything for you
Because you're my skipper
I know you'll get me, know you'll get me through

You knocked me overboard
With your big quant pole
I said that I'd forgive you
And carried on fixing the hole

Chorus

You took my chocolates away
And eat them all yourself
I thanked you for your concern
About my personal health

Chorus

You made me wash up
And cook all our tea
I know you were only trying
To re-educate me

Chorus

I am a spokesman for the discontented masses of the Harriers crew members. For too long we have suffered under the oppression of a brutal dictate rule. Which as well as bad food brings with it unacceptable bedtime hours. We the crew, demand a later bedtime (If that's ok Mrs. Paterson, please) If our demands are not met, a full scale revolution involving the capture of Hurricane and the imprisonment of Tore, will ensure. While you ponder our demands, comrade Hawes will bring forth our message in song.

I could stay awake, until it's way past midnight
Watch the stars out a gleaming, while everyone is dreaming
I could spend the nights, playing with a fender
Chatting with my crew friends, in a moment of splendour

Chorus:
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep coz it's 9 o'clock, and I'm not 8 anymore
When I've got an aching bod
Don't wanna go to the land of nod coz it'd 9 o'clock, and I'm not 8 anymore

I don't wanna close one eye
I don't want no bedtime tale
I just wanna talk with my crew friends
Until the sky gets pale

Chorus

Tell me what you want, What you really really want
So tell me what you want what you really really want
I want to Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha
I want to really really really want to Zig-A-Zig-Ah

If you give me your future, I'll forget your past
If you want to get with G, Better make it fast
Now Don't go wasting, anytime, Get your act together and we'll soon be fine

Tell me what you want, What you really really want

If you want to be my lover, you've got to get with my friends
Friendship last forever, friendship never ends
If you want to be my lover, you have got to give
Taking is to easy but that's just the way it is

So here's the story from A to Zee
Wanna get with G, gotta listen carefully
We've got sin in the place, Shuv it in the devil's face
We've got dirty mags and polythene bags
Bribes and purgery, plastic surgery
Thoughts unclean and a money grabbing Queen
Psychomaniacs, Pederphilliacs
Throw those burdens down and slam them on the ground
Throw those burdens down and slam them on the ground

If you want to be my lover, you've gotta you've gotta you've gotta you've gotta you've gotta Pray, Pray, Pray, Pray
Throw those burdens down and slam them on the ground
Throw those burdens down and Hallelujah!
If you want to be lover, you have got to give
Taking is to easy but that's just the way it is.

Oh Baby Baby
Oh Baby Baby

Oh Baby Jesus, how was I supposed to know, that electric was evil?
Oh Baby Jesus, I need to regain faith in you, or it could be lethal
Show me how you want it to be
Tell me Baby Jesus, how to play A-coustically

My unholiness, was killing me
And I, I must confess, I killed some fleas, killed some fleas!
When I'm not with you, I lose my mind
Give me a sign---
Bless me Jesus one more time

Don't Do Drugs
Don't Do Drugs
Don't Do Drugs

My unholiness, was killing me
And I, I must confess, I killed some fleas, killed some fleas!
When I'm not with you, I lose my mind
Give me a sign---
Bless me Jesus one more time---
Bless me Jesus one more time---
Bless me Jesus one more time---
Don't Do Drugs

No one ever told me church could be such fun
And that worship, didn't have to be sung
I thought my life was tumbling down
But then I looked at my guitar, and thus went my frown

Chorus:
He'll be there for you, when the rain starts to fall
He'll be there for you, like he's been there before
He'll be there for you, Cos he's there for me too

Your still in bed at ten, you hope your parents have left
Your Mum is waking you she thinks she knows what's best
You put your worst clothes on just to be mean
She says you wouldn't dress like that if you were going to meet the Queen

Chorus

Away in A manger, No crib for a bed
Check out baby Jesus, lying there in the shed

Chorus

The cruise started well, boxes sorted out and everything. Then it was time to sail.

I was on Brown Bess with Rachel F and Jim. It started off well, we got the awning off, pushed off and started to paddle, but trouble started when we tried to put the sails up. First Jim couldn't pull the rope with the sail attached to it up, then Rachel found a piece of string (which later turned out to be a dog lead) tied around the boom and sail. She puzzled for a while over why it was there and how to put the sail up.

She hit on the idea to undo the piece of string and to attach the shackle to the sail. Just then a six foot duck swam past and distracted Rachel's attention, and made her let go of the shackle without the pin in it, and it went shooting up the mast. This was all while we were in the middle of the river.

Then Jim heroically, single-handedly rowed us back to Hunter's where we promptly took the mast down and retrieved the shackle. So after the first ten minutes of fun and games we sailed off into the sunset.

Skippers on woodboats and bilge rats in forepeaks,
Sunburn and bruises and lots of bright red cheeks,
Skippers that snore all the way through the night,
They always give us a terrible fright.

Chorus:
When the horn blows, when the wind fails,
When the skipper wails,
We simply remember our favourite things,
It drives us completely mad.

Sludge coloured dinners that look just like dog food,
You'd think that they wanted us all in a foul mood,
Harriers that follow the waterway code,
Cruisers that drive like the river's a road.