Logs and Shanties

Nothing ever happens for log material? Yer, right! Meet the crew of South Seas.

It started at Skippers' meeting. One boat had not taken their stuff for the fridge. I was getting quite cross at my fellow skippers.

'Look, either your stuff is in the fridge or it isn't.'

They howled their innocence. They knew their fridges were full. So did I - I, the Commodore, had handed Jeremy the cool bag and asked him to put the contents into the fridge. I started to get a nagging worry. We looked in the fridge. Jeremy had expected us to spend the week living off wagon wheels and squirty cream.

While we're on the subject of food... As I bit into my coolish lasagne, I asked the Mate if she had probed it.

'Yes', she said, '63 degrees.'

Sounds low, I thought. What did it need to be? I asked in a stomach-clutching tone of voice.

'Don't know', she said.

'Arrhh!!!!'

The answer, so you all know, is 70 degrees to be on the safe side.

One Monday morning, JB got up at 7 and drove for three hours to Great Yarmouth. He spent all day shopping and arrived home at 10 pm. He did not mind because he loved them. He bought them cakes and the best biscuits he could find. He loved them. Once, he had been on a cruise that had 'Happy Shopper' brand (Yuk). Not for his Harriers 'A'. He loved them and had busted a gut on their behalf all year.

Now cometh the time of the cruise - again up early - long drive - more carloads of food. By the end of the day he was thirsty. So he went to his cruise and asked for a drink of proper coke, not the diet stuff that was an abomination. Boat after boat despised and rejected him. 'No, not our fat boy's coke can you have.' The same coke he had bought for them in the first place. His thirst was great. One cruel mate handed him an empty glass when he had asked for a full one. She said he had to drink diet. This broke his heart and he went away sad.

'Happy Shopper' next year...

'Please attach the peak, Mate.' Did I ask her to wrap it around the mast before doing so? I think not. As the Main rose, it tightened like a noose.

One afternoon's sailing later...

'Lower Main.'
'It's stuck.'

Sure enough it was going nowhere. I had to climb the mast hand-over-hand up just the jib halyard (not 'sheet' as Duncan suggested). When I climb the mast I like to use two halyards. But one had to do.

I found myself standing on the gaff, holding on with one hand. By stretching, I could just reach the peak halyard and free some slack. They then lowered the throat bit-by-bit, as I pulled the rope through a bit at a time. So there's me standing on the peak as it is lowered to the deck.

Next time look.

Picture the scene: the crew of High Seas is full up on porridge (from breakfast) and chips (from lunch). It has been a great morning. We've just put the sails up in record time and are tacking up the river towards Womack Dyke. The Skipper is on the helm and is in full control of the boat.

It was then that we hit the reeds for the first time of many that afternoon. We should have seen it coming really - nothing had really gone wrong on the cruise so far for us. But, heaving and shoving, we got ourselves free... only to crash a few tacks later on the opposite bank. It was going to be a pattern for a long afternoon.

It was just past Womack Dyke that things really went pear-shaped. Coming up to the bank in a perfect tack it all went wrong. To do the event justice it has to be described in slow motion...

At the front, a sea of green appeared before us but instead of moving away from it we just kept on going into it and going and going and going... Oh good, we've stopped! The crew-member on the tiller had pushed it the wrong way. Ah, well. Mistakes do happen.

Fortunately a passing cruiser kindly offered to tow us out. Unfortunately we refused. Andy in Leda, who was going past, offered sound advice - 'Push from the bows with your shoulder on the quant' - Great! Thanks Andy! The boat didn't budge. Nothing happened either with people rocking on the shrouds and the engine in full reverse AND the quantpole heaving. Then along came Sir Fiona on her trusted steed, Spindrift, to pull us out in two seconds flat.

We all managed to put the boat into the reeds somehow or other that afternoon - even towards the end when we were going nowhere near the reeds (we had learnt to avoid those evil things) - everyone except our mate, Esther. Her job was relatively easy: to sail downwind and then organise us motley rabble to drop the sail. Somehow she managed to motor into the wooden bank while this was happening and this was slightly more destructive than all our other crashes.

So the day today involved:
- innumerable crashes into reeds and/or banks
- a few goodish tacks
- one angry cruiser
- and many traffic jams behind us as we manoeuvred across the river;

But us - we had a good laugh and remained as cool as cucumbers to the end.

Chilli, con carne
And potato wedges
Chop potatoes into bits
Commy, don't bother to peel
Just pour some olive oil over it
Commy, Oooo, put it in the baking tray
And put it in the oven for 45 minutes
Till it's brown, till it's brown
Or you will be sick tomorrow.

Let's put the probe into the chilli con carne
Sixty-three, sixty-three
Put it back in the oven
JB's got E-coli, Becca's going to die...
No! Need a skipper, need a new mate
Need a skipper, need a new mate
Need someone to run this boat
...Gas Mark 6!

There goes the dinghy
Not for the first time,
Quick! Get the sail down!
There goes the halyard
Way up the mast,
Now we'll never get it down!
Get it down, quickly now!
Will you get it down?
It won't come down,
We cannot get it down!

Row, row, row, row, ROW!

Horsey Mere, Horsey Mere,
On Horsey Mere let's get a tow
The Commodore has a terrible dislike
For me, for me, for Me!

So you think you can starve me of cocoa and cream?
So you think you can feed it all to the team?
Oh Helen, can't do this to me Helen,
Just got to eat cake,
Just got to eat wagon wheels here.

Quickly do the awning,
Make JB some tea...
Quickly do the awning,
Quickly do the awning... for me.

'Hark!' the crew of High Seas cried,
'Oh no, look, the wind has died.
We are heading up the bank,
To get us out we'll need a tank!
Who was it that pushed the tiller?
If there's damages then we'll bill her
Pulling at the shrouds we pray
"Will this sail another day?"
'Hark!' the crew of High Seas cried,
'Rock the boat from side to side.

'We've no choice, let's get the quant out'
Helen said without a doubt.
We heaved and hoed until we dropped,
We had well and truly stopped.
Then Esther started the motor,
'Watch out, there's another boater!'
Even with reverse on hard
It wouldn't budge another yard.
'Hark!' the crew of High Seas cried
'Hey, Fiona, we'll take that ride!'

Fiona came and hitched us on:
In a moment we were gone (yay!)
So that we would crash no more
We tried to avoid the shore;
'Gainst the wind, against the tide,
It's no good, so hard we tried,
In the reeds again were we,
'Back the jib eternally!'
'Hark!' the crew of High Seas cried,
We were stuck, unsatisfied.

We sail and quant the rivers
Of the Norfolk Broads
And we are led and guided
By the hand of the Lord;
He sent the rain this summer,
Enough to swell the broads,
The breezes and the sunshine
To cheer us on our tours.
All good gifts around us
Are sent from heaven above
Then thank the Lord
O thank the Lord
For all his love.

He only is the maker
Of our Commodore;
The Commy chooses where to sail,
His timescales we ignore.
The jib is always flapping,
The Skippers sometimes too,
'Cos what they most desire is
To not lose any crew.
All the water round us
Is not for falling in
Then please refrain
O please refrain
From going for a swim.

The skippers and the mates
Of the Harriers cruise
Are adept at sailing
Through ever-changing views;
The crew should all obey them
And act on each command
And bring them tea and biscuits
And tack upon demand.
All the reeds around us
The banks both soft and hard
We love them all
We find them all
Though piling should be barred.

For commies we're so thankful,
They show us what to do:
He makes the cruisers scatter;
She sorts out the menu.
By him the engine's chugging;
By her the cruise is fed.
Much more to us the skippers
Who need their daily rest.
Thank you for the commies
They're sent from heaven above
They kill the pesky mozzies
Of which we've had enough.

We thank you then O Father
For the Harriers cruise:
The tacking and the gybing,
Our boats, our health, our food;
Apologies we offer
For all we want to do
Is get back on our yachts and
Go for a snooze.
All the boats around us
Were built for sleeping on
So please keep quiet
And we just might
Doze off before it's dawn.

The name's Windjammer
What a wonderful phrase
She'll sail right past you
Leavin' you in a daze.
It means good sailing
For the rest of the week
Let your main run free
Unlike the 'Seas'
The name's Windjammer... Yeah!

Matt:
I'm sailing in my yacht
And my skills are fairly hot;
Might lose a rope or motor
But I'm having fun, so what?
I order crew about:
If they get it wrong I shout;
At least they do the cooking
While I just sit and rot.

Sarah:
I'm sitting in the well,
There's a funny kind of smell:
The skipper needs a shower
And it's starting to tell;
The crew are from the zoo,
Yet they're planning a coup
Next time Skipper starts snoozing in the well.

Crew:
We're singing in disdain
'Cos this song is really lame;
I hope it's nearly finished:
We won't sing it again.
The Skipper gets quite cross
But we don't give three shakes of a duck's tail
If it wasn't for our mate
We'd go insane.

Ed: The First Law of Sailing with Harriers: Wind is speed and speed is wind
Tim: Wind is speed and speed is wind
Ed: [cutting in] Very good. The Second Law of Sailing with Harriers:
Tim: Leda cannot, of itself, at high tide pass through the bridge at Potter
Jem: Dum Dum etc.
Ed: Leda won't pass through the bridge at Potter
Tim: Leda won't pass through the bridge at Potter
E&J: You can try it if you like but you'd far better notter
Tim: You can try it if you like but you'd far better notter
E&J: Cos the balance on the mast scrapes the bridge too fast
Tim: Cos the balance on the mast scrapes the bridge too fast
E&J: When the tide's too high there's no getting by
Tim: When the tide's too high there's no getting by
Ed: [cutting in] Good First Law!
All: Wind is speed and speed is wind and speed is wind and wind is speed
Jem: Da Da Dum...
Ed: Boats can go when they motor and...
E&J: Bo bum bo...
Tim: Boats can go when they motor and...
Ed: They only move if they floater and...
E&J: Bo bum bo...
Tim: They only move if they floater and...
Ed: But you'll likely use a quanter...
E&J: Mwaow Mwaow...
Tim: But you'll likely use a quanter...
All: And that's a Harriers Law.
E&J: Wind is speed and speed is wind and all the wind in the Norfolk Broads has gotta SLOOOW... down.
E&J: 'Cos it can't increase, then there'll be much less speed and there'll be perfect peace.
Tim: Really?
E&J: Yeah that's Harrier's man!
Ed: And it's all in with the Second Law of Sailing with Harriers, which states that:
E&J: You can't get Leda through the bridge at Potter, you can try it if you like but you'd far better notter
Tim: Woo-hoo
All: 'Cos the balance on the mast scrapes the bridge too fast when the tides too high there's no getting by;
Oh you can't get Leda through the bridge at Potter, you can try it if you like but you'll only look a fooler;
'Cos the balance on the boomer scrapes the bridge 'cos there's no roomer, and that's a Harriers Law.
Ed: [to Jem] The beat's getting too fast
Tim: That's 'cos it's windy, Ha ha!
[Tim given funny looks by Jem & Ed]
All: That's the First and Second Law of Sailing with Harriers!
Badoom - Cha!

Gettin' stuck on the reeds of the Broads,
Get that engine started
Or we'll end up really wet.
In Seven Seas the boom was swinging, yeah!
Price you gotta pay
For wind blowin' in your hair.
We never knew there was
Anything wrong before.
Boom is swinging,
Speeches a-winging,
Tacking up the bank of a dyke
With a panorama.

Chorus:
Upton mooring, here we come,
Sailing for it in the sun.

He's a sailor, skipper and a Commy,
Shoulda seen the planking,
Then he got a little wetter
With a name like JB or Jeremy.
Time was gonna come
When we were gonna warn ye,
I'll let him know when someone's
Stealin' a loaf of bread,
I love my toasties to death.

Chorus

Who knew Aidan is Mark's cousin?
Who knew he is also Sixteen?
In a day we'll have to say goodbye,
We'll have to say, say, say...
Came in and we sailed,
Gifted, and were very loud,
We ate cake and drew a big crowd;
We will all travel to our homes.

Not the kinda guys who get up
Early in the morning;
Sailing in the Broads,
We were saving the best for last:
It's really good 'cos we laugh
Not too fast.

Chorus (x2)

There's a hole in our jib,
Keep on sailing, keep on sailing,
There's a hole in our jib
Keep on sailing all day!

There's a knot in the mainsheet,
Keep on sailing, keep on sailing,
There's a knot in the mainsheet
But the Skipper's OK!

There's a snap and the peak breaks,
Keep on sailing, keep on sailing,
There's a snap and the peak breaks;
The Commy'll have to pay!

We're a-tacking and turning,
Keep on sailing, keep on sailing,
We're a-tacking and turning
But there's a tree in the way!

There's a scream from the Skipper,
Keep on sailing, keep on sailing,
There's a scream from the Skipper:
'Push the tiller away!'

There's a crash and we're grounded,
No more sailing, no more sailing,
The Commy's astounded
At what we achieved in one day!

Chorus:
Oo, we sail the Broads,
Rowing, quanting, mooring,
Oo, we sail the Broads
And have such a lot of fun. (Repeat)

I told the Commodore
We'd gone into a bank,
I told the Commodore,
His face went very blank,
And then my life expectancy
It quickly shrank.

Chorus...

Thursday at Barton
We sailed into a lee,
Thursday at Barton
We ripped our sails on trees
And then the Commodore
He had some words for me.

Chorus...

Out of How Hill we quanted
Oh so carefully,
Out of How Hill the quant snapped
Oh so graciously
And so JB forced us
To tow in a dinghy.

Chorus...

The Mate, they asked us
If we were 'ready about',
The Mate, they did not listen
As 'Oh, no!' we shout,
Two of the crew were forced in
With a mighty clout.

Chorus (x2)...

And now the cruise is ending,
Our skin is so brown,
And now the cruise is ending,
Commy's got a frown,
And now this song is ending
We can all calm down.

Chorus (x4)...

Chorus:
Lee-ho! Sweet Harriers,
Coming for to sail us home;
Lee-ho! Sweet Harriers,
Coming for to sail us home.

Well we looked o'er the Broads:
What did we see
Coming for to sail us home?
A fleet of Harriers
Coming for to us,
Coming for to sail us home.

Chorus...

When we were stuck on the bank,
What did we see
Coming for to tow us out?
A boat named Spindrift
Coming for to save us,
Coming for to sail us home.

Chorus...

When we moor, JB asks
'Where have you been?
I've been calling you for hours!'
We were stuck in the reeds
But some Harriers
Came forth to tow us home.

Chorus...