Logs and Shanties

The Lord and I are in a shepherd/sheep situation, and I am in a position of negative need. He prostrates me in a green belt grazing area; he conducts me directionally parallel to a non-torrential aqueous liquid. He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological make-up; he switches me on to a positive behavioural format for maxmal prestige of his identity.

It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror-sensations will not be instantiated within me due to para-ethical phenomena. Your pastoral walking aid and quadruped pickup unit introduce me into a pleasurific mood state.

You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure in the context of non-cooperative elements; you act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extracts; my beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.

It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inner-relational empathetical and non-vengence capabilities will retain me as their target focus for the duration of my non-death period; and I will possess tenant rights in the housing unit of my Lord on a permanently open-ended time basis.

Good evening, and welcome to Can't Quant, Won't Quant. We've got a wonderful audience here at Horsey in Norfolk, and I'm going to try out a little bit of the local produce. Lovely, jubly!

When you're quanting somewhere new, it's always great to use some of the local dishes and the local ingredients, and that's what I've got here. I've been out earlier and the locals have been very helpful. The produce here on the Broads is so fresh and simple and it's lovely to quant with. There's not a lot of preparation involved - it's just a matter of combining the flavours!

Now I've got some fantastic bushels of Norfolk reed here and it really is wonderful. The stems close to the root are firm and succulent and will really give a nice, feisty kick at the end of your quantpole. Beautiful. Lots of varieties as well, and you can get them just about anywhere - they're just as common as muck! Which brings me nicely on to the next thing I want to show you - this lovely Norfolk mud. Now I've got about 12-14 oz, or if you at home like metric, that's roughly 25 metres.

Now this stuff is great, but it needs a soupcon of something to just bind it together. You can use a little bit of beaten egg, but I prefer a good couple of tablespoons of porridge, which gives a lovely texture and bite. And when you're looking around for porridge, look for a well-matured variety. I've got some Kestrels 2000 oats here, but if you can, look for a Mallards from the early 80's or 90's, or even an early Kestrels variety or even an Otters porridge. If you can't find porrige, gravel is a good alternative. Absolutely lovely - a real symphony of flavours and colours.

And finally - you'll need a Quanter as well. Choose a large, strapping variety like this one I picked out from a selection at Ludham. Try to avoid the weak, spindly varieties, although quanting them too hard knocks a lot out of them and can often leave them rather uninteresting and skeletal. By all means sweat them down, which'll add a good drop of colour. You'll know they're done when they smell very ripe. Season well, and leave to stand. And that's just about ready, my simple Norfolk Quant, prepared with a medley of Norfolk Reed, Kestrels porridge and a lovely earthy jus. Serve warm or cold with a sprig of Basil or Coriander to garnish. Lovely!

Get quanting on that!