Logs and Shanties

Ladies and Gentlemen, skippers.

For too long has there been misunderstanding on our cruises,
For too long has there been confusion on our boats,
For too long have mates and crew alike stared at their skippers in utter bewilderment.

But no more. For that centuries old language barrier that has separated the common Mallard from his rulers will be torn down today like a jib through trees. This only the dream of our fathers who had the audacity to hope that we should no longer live in fear and darkness is within our grasp. Today is our day, the day that history shall stand still, the day that Mallards will remember for generations as the day when we learnt to duck when skippers say lee ho, ready about, ware gybe, gybe ho, or perhaps even nothing at all.

To do this a tame skipper will be needed. Some say every time he burps, a new footnote appears on the Quanternet. Some say he practices his quanting technique at home in the bath, with a mop. All we know is he's called Andy!

Andy will now spout out a few randomly selected phrases, which after much dedication and many years hard work have now been fully translated into English.

Who wants to learn to quant?
I messed up sailing so badly that the only possible way out of this situation is by using a large wooden pole.

Who wants to learn to row?
I messed up quanting so badly that the possible way out of this situation is by using cabin doors as makeshift oars.

Who wants a drink?
I messed up rowing up rowing so badly that there is now no possible way out of this situation, so we might as well sit back and accept our fate.

Lee ho
Duck

Ready About
Duck

Ware Gybe
Duck

Gybe Ho
Duck

Does anyone know what a bowline is?
Does anyone know what a bowline is?

Mate, why don't I just take over?
I really think your skills would be better employed as ballast.

Ha, ha, ha, that's funny
Ha, ha, ha, I don't get it

That tack was well sick!
I am trying to get down with da yoof

So, where's the wind coming from?
So, where's the wind coming from?

Mate, why don't you teach the crew to write a shanty?
Mate, just keep 'em busy while think of the correct wording for the incident form.

So mate, how would you come into this mooring?
Seriously, I've no idea.

Yay, showers today!
You smell!

Mate, can you sort out the crew's buoyancy aids?
Mate can you:
* Do the buoyancy aids
* Take off the awning
* Put all our stuff on the boat
* Attach the jib
* Put in a reef
* Put in a second reef
* Remove the spring line
* Take up the rond anchors
* Pull up the mudweight
* Point the boat into the wind
* Then pick me up
* And lastly make me a cup of tea.

I sleep all night
I sail all day
To sail Brown Bess I have to pray
Ain't it sad

And still I don't know how to sail
All I ever do is bail

That's too bad

In my dreams I had a plan
To sail the seas up to Japan
But here I am on Norfolk Broads
Tying knots with orange cords

Quanting sailing rowing
The wind is blowing
On a Mallards cruise

Skipper/Mate are frowning
Wish they were drowning
On a Mallards cruise

Oooh oh oh
All the things I could do
If I had a decent Skipper
And I had a decent Crew

And when I'm sailing on Brown Bess
I think its time that I confess
We're so glad

With Dave db to climb the mast
And Gareth on the helm, we're fast
We're such class

In my dreams I have a plan
To sail the ant up to Stalham
I love it here with Tris and Vick's
I've learnt so many sailing tricks

Quanting sailing rowing
The wind is blowing
On a Mallards cruise

Skipper/Mate are happy
Sails aren't flappy
On a Mallards cruise

Oooh oh oh
All the things I can do
Now I have a decent Skipper
And I have a decent Crew

That mooring was interesting
That was the worst piece of mooring I have ever seen

That mooring was really exciting
I'm not sure coming in on a dead run and throwing your crew off to stop counts

Did you mean to do that?
That wasn't a good idea now was it!

You look a bit red
Drink more

Your peak looks a bit low
Sail better

Have you put any suntan lotion on today?
Drink more

Have you tried sweating off the throat?
Sail better

Have you got your bag ready?
We're really late and we need to leave NOW

Could you go and ask the cooks if they're ready for dinner?
I'm scared the cooks will roast me in the steriliser if I ask for anything more!

You might want to consider a reef
We're scared you can't sail properly and a reef will limit the damage

Do you still need that reef?
Sail better

Did you have some kind of problem?
Where have you been? We've been here for hours

Can I come alongside please?
I want your biscuits

Can you come alongsdie please?
I can't be bothered to come to you, come here. PS Bring biscuits.

Skippers!
Dolly mixtures please

Any suggestions skippers?
We have no idea what to do next - can you get us out of this hole please

Has anyone seen the dory keys?
We left the keys behind and need to blame someone else

You need waterproofs, suntan cream, hat etc
We have no idea what the weather is going to do today

Let's load the minibuses
Please stop faffing and get sailing

You are going to be sailing against the wind and the tide today
We decided to make it really difficult for you

Has anyone seen Ali?
There's a toilet that needs cleaning

1. We like to forget things
Day one: lunch boxes, day two: dory keys, day three: crew medication, day four: bouyancy aids for the cooks, day six: birthday cake

2. We don't do much sailing anymore
Get a boat out on the braods, throw the mudweight down and then get the biscuits out

3. We are constantly asked questions and the soulition to them is always to find a skipper to delegate to:
"Tris should we take the mugs with us?" - Er, yes, Ed - get the mugs please
"Vicki, I have vomited in my tent" - Don't worry, Ali is here for you.

4. We can now offend the cooks without even trying.
Note to self, beware jokes combining old age and memory.

5. We break crockery when we bash it on the table for attention at dinner times.
But boy, do we like the power.

6. We enjoy faffing at skippers meetings because we get dolly mixtures.

7. We spend all day looking at our watches and far too little time looking at the back of our eyelids.

8. We have lost all sense of spatial awareness when on the water.
Frequent shouts of "coming in" and "oh, were you going to moor here, sorry" are now the norm (sorry again James).

9. When we go sailing chaos ensues!
Boats get pushed into the reeds, topping lifts are stolen, quantpole wars begin.

10. Somehow it has become our job to do the Julie Andrews impersonation!

We like sailing on our boat,
Jaylene is the best,
When we're sailing we're so happy and there's no contest.

Andy is our skipper,
Jenny is the mate,
Stealing biscuits will cause death,
And we're never late.

Matthew is competitive,
Simon slightly less so,
Iain didn't write this song and Peter likes his biscuits.

Andy is our skipper,
Jenny is the mate,
Stealing biscuits will cause death,
And we're never late.

Last year, as Alan retired from Mallards, and we were all high on adrenaline, we decided it was time for a Top Gear style challenge. We decided it was about time to work out just who ran the best cruise. Harriers? Mallards? Or even Kestrels...

Of course, 'on the water' was the only real way to test the honed skills of your commodores past and present. No oars, no quantpoles, no engines (JB) and no minibuses (Alan).

The 3 rivers race was the only way to go. 24 hours of endurance sailing through the night. Three teams entered:

• On Lucy... Helen, JB and Alan
• On Jaylene... Neil (Kestrels Commie), Tris and Chris S
• On Jayanne... Andy, Witham and me.

But who would win the prestigious Commodore's Cup?

The race started well - lots of wind and sunshine.

On Andy's boat the crew were put to work. Food was our main focus - power bars, energy drinks, dolly mixtures... Timings for the start were sketched out on our hands. We shot the bridge at Potter and lost our crutches. We broke our gaff jaws in the bungalows and Witham had to go to sleep on the floor inside his dry bag. It was just like Mallards really...

Meanwhile on Tris and Neil's boat the crew were working hard. Winning was their main focus. The GPS system was in use. Three helicopters had been summoned to provide air support, and a team of former SAS men were the shore team, doing backup logistics. It was just like Kestrels...

Nearby, Helen, JB and Alan were working well as a team. JB had put his tea order in and Helen had dutifully put the kettle on and the cake out. Meanwhile Alan had ploughed the boat into a reed bank and was peeing in a bucket. When they finally rounded Thurne mouth steering suddenly became much more difficult. Felt a lot like something was broken. It was just like Harriers...

But who won?

Jaylene just needs some cushions,
Some kind of padded railing,
To make it comfortable.
I'd take on oars not paddles,
Then swap them for a quantpole,
And fit a quantdeck.

Commy, please don't take this badly,
But we're just really not keen,
On this boat called Jaylene.
The mast sticks and the shrouds are wonky,
Oh yes we're really not keen,
On this boat called Jaylene.

Change your mind and take away our fear,
We're asking, for a Hunters cabin boat next year...
Commy,
Change your mind and take away our fear,
We're asking, for a Hunters cabin boat next year...