Logs and Shanties

Our boat is so tiny, there isn't much room,
If you stand up too quick you'll get hit by the boom,
(and then you're doomed)

Our boat is so tiny, it isn't too wide,
If you don't hang on right you'll fall over the side,
(into the tide)

Our boat is so tiny, the skipper's a clot,
He thinks he's cool but he really is not,
(he's really not)

Our boat is so tiny, but really quite quick,
It's just a shame that the mate's a bit thick,
(but built like a brick)

Our boat is so tiny, please come for a ride,
We've got no more crew left, they've all gone inside,
(where it is dry)

Five things 'lost' at sea...

Ben: 5 - our paddles - in an act of sabotage by Sam.

Lewis: 4 - our peak halyard - lost not once but twice. Resulting in James climbing the mast. Not once, but twice.

David: 3 - Vicki's sanity! (done by me) - lost during extensive periods of tacking. This resulting in too many cries of "Little more, little more" (Vicki) "A flappy sail is not a happy sail."

Vicki: 2 - Ben - who fell in whilst holding onto the reeds.

James: 1 - Ben's underpants!! - left onboard Hustler 3 whilst getting changed after the previously mentioned falling in. And subsequently hung ceremoniously from their boom.

Five things 'found' at sea... i.e. pirated (cough)

Lewis: 5 - a football - left absent mindedly by Hustler 3 on a post on Hickling.

David: 4 - Hustler 1's cabin door - just one of them, but useful as a paddle.

James: 3 - Sam's hat - stolen at cost...

Vicki: 2 - Tristan's hat - upping the ante...

Ben: 1 - Our mate - borrowed from Hustler 3 for the day and captured back during our pirating.

Legend has it that there is a place where darkness reigns. Awnings and bags disappear into its bowels, and that is where most scared Mallards dare to reach. BUT there is one boat who has "pushed the boundary".

Explorers of the brave vessel Woodcut, Woodcut 2 of course, have broken the locks and shattered the doors to enter the abyss.

Ronds fly, sponges and buckets drop from their lowly dwellings as dare devil Simon peers into the depths of the craft for the first time since the ancient ancestors locked it for all of history.

This ancient dynasty of Rachy P ruled the vessel with her reign of paddle strokes and liquid consumption punishment. Brutal.

Anyway, let's hear from our first explorer: Simon.

Day one hundred and eleven, month of the hamster. In the year 20 RP, I found Woodcut 2, the lost vessel of Rachy P. As my locksmith, James, lit a torch, I saw golden water pistols and huge piles of pieces of eight. Treasure chests made a path towards the middle of the room, where Rachy P's two famous swords lay. I strode towards the swords. On top of the swords lay a note. It said: "I'm missing you lots Neville, love Peter".

What was neville? I thought. Suddenly, the door slammed shut behind me, confusing the electrical circuits of the torch, plunging the room into darkness. The darkness enclosed me and my crew as it had been foretold in the ancient scriptures of Woodcut 2. The only way out was to stick a finger out of the keyhole, and use the sheer strength of one finger to open the door.

(Simon demonstrates)

Next to brave the depths was James OB/MBE/CBBC.

I was only half inside the room for about 1 second but I can only imagine the terrors Simon experienced.

Fortunately, Simon didn't experience any terror, apart from the fact that the door wouldn't open. He and the crew inside found a passageway, hidden in the wall by a small door, which led outside. When the found the door, Simon thought "If we can get out, then we can get the treasure outside".

The first thing to leave the room was the silk sail cover. When it left the main chamber a curse was put on the chamber and everything inside it. The curse was that in whatever type of weather, the cursed one would stay dry. A storm started over the locker, signifying the curse.

When the curse was discovered, James said "We should put the sail cover back, and leave the boat in peace. It is not to be disturbed."

And as the silk sail cover was returned, the storm stopped, the curse was lifted, and the locker of Rachy P was shrouded in mystery and legend, once again.

Or so it would seem. Hundreds of years later a man named Zack led a team into the boat, once again. He did the same thing, except he didn't notice the massive storm above him. He and the rest of his crew were killed in the storm on the way home. So BEWARE... of the locker, of Rachy P.

(spoken)

Tris was sailing one day when he saw something was horribly wrong - noticing this, he burst forth into song.

(sung)

Oh where is my quantpole, oh where is my quantpole,
Oh where oh where (x10) ... is my quantpole?

(spoken)

Sam comes up on deck. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Tris without his quantpole, he reports. "I think I saw a quantpole back there."

Tris laments.

(sung)

Back there is my quantpole, back there is my quantpole,
Back there back there (x10) ... is my quantpole.

(spoken)

Hearing his lament Alex scrambles up onto the deck. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Tris without his quantpole, he regains his composure and reports. "Why do you need your quantpole? We're not stuck or head to wind."

(sung)

No need for my quantpole, no need for my quantpole,
No need no need (x10) ... for my quantpole.

(spoken)

Upon hearing his lament Ross scrambles onto the deck. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Tris without his quantpole, he regains his composure and reports. "Why do you need a quantpole? There's plenty of wind."

(sung)

No calm for my quantpole, no calm for my quantpole,
No calm no calm (x10) ... for my quantpole.

(spoken)

Upon hearing his lament Tim scrambles onto the deck. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Tris without his quantpole, he regains his composure and reports. "I'm sorry Tris, I gave the quantpole to Walnut, because they cannot sail."

(sung)

Walnut has my quantpole, Walnut has my quantpole,
Walnut Walnut (x10) ... has my quantpole.

(spoken)

Upon hearing his lament Ash scrambles onto the deck. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Tris without his quantpole, he regains his composure and reports. "Why do you even want a quantpole? You don't even like to quant."

Tris: Hmmmm.

(sung)

No love for my quantpole, no love for my quantpole,
No love no love (x10) ... for my quantpole.

Oh where is my quantpole?
Back there is my quantpole,
No need, no calm, Walnut, no love, oh where, back there, no need, no calm, Walnut ... for my quantpole.

Vicki gets up and proposes a toast to the excellent work done by the cooks this year. As the standing ovation and loud cheering dies down, she states that she would like to single out one cook in particular, her Mum, for her sterling efforts, in particular, her ability to butter 120 rolls at a time.

Vicki sings:

Anything your Mum can do, mine can do better,
Mine can do anything, better than yours.

Andy stands to rebutt: No she can't!
Vicki responds: Yes she can!
Andy rebutts: No she can't...
Vicki responds: Yes she can...
No she can't, no she can't, no she can't...

Andy explains why his Mum/cook is better...

Andy: Some say, that my Mum can butter rolls for 56 in under a minute. And that she has no fear of sparrows.

Andy sings:

Anything your Mum can do, mine can do better,
Mine can do anything, better than yours.

Tris stands to rebutt: No she can't!
Andy responds: Yes she can!
Tris rebutts: No she can't...
Andy responds: Yes she can...
No she can't, no she can't, no she can't...

Tris explains why his Mum/cook is better...

Tris: Some say, that my Mum can drive at the speed of an eagle.

Vicki joins the other two and points out that whatever their disagreements, they can agree on one thing...
Together they sing:

Anything your Mums can do, ours can do better,
Ours can do anything, better than yours.

Everyone joins in: No they can't!
Vicki, Tris and Andy respond: Yes they can!
Everyone: No they can't!
Vicki, Tris and Andy: Yes they can...

(etc.)

Well sometimes I sail out by myself and I quant across the broadland
And I think of all the things, how we're handling our boats and we make a fine cruise-yeah

'Cos since I've come on camp, well my tent has been a mess
And I've missed your quanty-pole and the way you like to dress (nice sandals)
Won't you row on over, stop making a fool out of me
Why won't you sail on over Alan B, Alan B, Alan B, Alan B?

Did you have to go to seed, let your garden run to weeds, are you a good preacher?
I hope you've got a lovely tan, I hope you've got the right team to run camp for ya!
Are you sailing anywhere, now you've greyed your thinning hair, retired as commie?
And did you have to leave us now, we've just learnt your wily ways, will you stay dizzy?

'Cos since I've come on camp, well my tent has been a mess
And I've missed your quanty-pole and the way you like to dress (nice hat)
Won't you row on over, stop making a fool out of me
Why won't sail on over Alan B, Alan B, Alan B, Alan B, Alan B?

Well sometimes I sail out by myself and I look across the broadland
And I think of all the things, how we're handling our boats and we make a fine cruise-yeah

'Cos since I've come on camp, well my tent has been a mess
And I've missed your quanty-pole and the way you like to dress (socks and sandals)
Won't you row on over, stop making a fool out of me
Why won't you sail on over Alan B, Alan B? Alan B, Alan B, Alan B, Alan B.

Alan B, Alan B.

Why don't you sail on over, Alan B.