Logs and Shanties
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- The adventures of Duty Watch / by Ranald and Andy
- A log that may never have been read out... / by Andy
- A song for the cooks / by author unknown
The adventures of Duty Watch
by Ranald and Andy / mallards 2001
For most of you, the day ends shortly after logs and shanties. But for others, the day is far from over. Join us now, as we re-enact a typical evening, in the life of... Duty watch.
In this recreation of the events of last night, the identities of the people involved have been kept the same in order to protect absolutely nobody.
The scene unfolds thusly. Two officers of the Duty Watch are on patrol around the Hickling branch of the juvenile education authority's recreational area, currently in use by the Scripture Union Christian sailing excursion, Mallards; at approximately twelve seventeen AM on the morning of Thursday, sixteenth of August.
AS: Alpha Sierra to Romeo Lemur. Do you copy? Over.
RL: Yeah, over.
AS: What is your present location, over.
RL: I'm stood next to you, over.
AS: I have no visual confirmation of that, over.
RL: Well then who's this? Over.
AS: Looks like a tree, over.
RL: Oh, then I'll come over, over. Er... over.
AS: Precipitation has ceased, over.
RL: What? You mean the storm's over, over.
AS: Affirmative, over.
RL: Right, over.
AS: Seems to be an unauthorised use of an illumination device in quadrant two-niner-charlie-bravo-victor-tango-tango-tango, over.
RL: What, you mean that light over there shouldn't be on?
AS: Acknowledged. Precipitation seems to be resuming. Deploy Personal Mobile Moisture Repellent Devices.
RL: Like, these? (points to waterproofs)
AS: Affirmative. Let's check it out.
[cue Mission impossible style running around]
AS: The illumination seems to be emmenating from within this canvas construction of non-crew occupation.
RL: So it's coming from this leader's tent. What's that noise?
AS: Sounds like some kind of foraging creature. Possible bear situation. Ready stun prods and tranquilizer darts.
RL: Wait. The pitch is wrong.
AS: Uh? Indeed. Stand down from bear alert. I think we've got us a code 147.
RL: A what?
AS: An illuminated post-slumber nasal inhalation situation.
RL: You mean a leader's fallen asleep with their torch on? And is snoring?
AS: Acknowledged. We'd better do something. Hmmm. Small blue tent. Location... close to school gate. Possibilities?
RL: (leaning forward, whispering loudly) Vicki! You've left your torch on!
AS: (likewise) Miss Savage, this is the Duty Watch. Please respond.
RL: No good. Someone's going to have to go in and turn it off.
AS: One of us must volunteer.
RL: Yes... one of us must volunteer.
AS: Yes... one of us... oh.
RL: Alpha Sierra?
AS: I'm going in.
RL: Acknowledged!
AS: The dwelling appears to be hermetically sealed. Break out the cutting tools.
RL: (leans forward, grabs something, makes zipping noise)
AS: Romeo Lemur, we have a problem.
(together): Velcro!
AS: Steady.. hang on.. got it.
RL: Go, go, go!
AS: (leaning forward into tent) I'm in. I've located the source of the illumination. I can't... quite... reach it.
RL: I have a solution. (pushes AS's arm further in)
AS: Almost... there! Got it!
RL: Switch it off!
AS: Acknowledged. Power source disabled. I'm on my way out. (gets out)
RL: Mission accomplished. Target is unaware and still participating in deep nasal inhalation exercises. Returning to base.
AS: We've done it, she's still snoring. Let's go home.
In this recreation of the events of last night, the identities of the people involved have been kept the same in order to protect absolutely nobody.
The scene unfolds thusly. Two officers of the Duty Watch are on patrol around the Hickling branch of the juvenile education authority's recreational area, currently in use by the Scripture Union Christian sailing excursion, Mallards; at approximately twelve seventeen AM on the morning of Thursday, sixteenth of August.
AS: Alpha Sierra to Romeo Lemur. Do you copy? Over.
RL: Yeah, over.
AS: What is your present location, over.
RL: I'm stood next to you, over.
AS: I have no visual confirmation of that, over.
RL: Well then who's this? Over.
AS: Looks like a tree, over.
RL: Oh, then I'll come over, over. Er... over.
AS: Precipitation has ceased, over.
RL: What? You mean the storm's over, over.
AS: Affirmative, over.
RL: Right, over.
AS: Seems to be an unauthorised use of an illumination device in quadrant two-niner-charlie-bravo-victor-tango-tango-tango, over.
RL: What, you mean that light over there shouldn't be on?
AS: Acknowledged. Precipitation seems to be resuming. Deploy Personal Mobile Moisture Repellent Devices.
RL: Like, these? (points to waterproofs)
AS: Affirmative. Let's check it out.
[cue Mission impossible style running around]
AS: The illumination seems to be emmenating from within this canvas construction of non-crew occupation.
RL: So it's coming from this leader's tent. What's that noise?
AS: Sounds like some kind of foraging creature. Possible bear situation. Ready stun prods and tranquilizer darts.
RL: Wait. The pitch is wrong.
AS: Uh? Indeed. Stand down from bear alert. I think we've got us a code 147.
RL: A what?
AS: An illuminated post-slumber nasal inhalation situation.
RL: You mean a leader's fallen asleep with their torch on? And is snoring?
AS: Acknowledged. We'd better do something. Hmmm. Small blue tent. Location... close to school gate. Possibilities?
RL: (leaning forward, whispering loudly) Vicki! You've left your torch on!
AS: (likewise) Miss Savage, this is the Duty Watch. Please respond.
RL: No good. Someone's going to have to go in and turn it off.
AS: One of us must volunteer.
RL: Yes... one of us must volunteer.
AS: Yes... one of us... oh.
RL: Alpha Sierra?
AS: I'm going in.
RL: Acknowledged!
AS: The dwelling appears to be hermetically sealed. Break out the cutting tools.
RL: (leans forward, grabs something, makes zipping noise)
AS: Romeo Lemur, we have a problem.
(together): Velcro!
AS: Steady.. hang on.. got it.
RL: Go, go, go!
AS: (leaning forward into tent) I'm in. I've located the source of the illumination. I can't... quite... reach it.
RL: I have a solution. (pushes AS's arm further in)
AS: Almost... there! Got it!
RL: Switch it off!
AS: Acknowledged. Power source disabled. I'm on my way out. (gets out)
RL: Mission accomplished. Target is unaware and still participating in deep nasal inhalation exercises. Returning to base.
AS: We've done it, she's still snoring. Let's go home.
A log that may never have been read out...
by Andy / mallards 2001
RYA Preliminary skipper assessment
Candidate: Tore (mate)
Assessor: Andy (skipper)
Manouver assessed: Coming into mooring
Description: Candidate was asked to enter Whispering Reeds dyke on Hickling broad to moor, wind position meant that sailing along the dyke would be a beam reach.
Candidate's approach: Candidate headed for a position upwind of the entrance to the dyke and ordered the sails to be lowered. At this point the assessor felt it necessary to remind the candidate that the intended mooring dyke was still some distance away, further downwind, to which the candidate replied, "Oh, THAT one." Candidate then resumed sailing and moved to a position downwind of the entrance to the dyke, and ordered the sails to be lowered again, stating that he would proceed into the dyke under the power of the jib. At this point the assessor felt it necessary to point out the difficulty of moving upwind under the jib alone. Candidate appeared confused. Assessor felt it necessary to again clarify the specific intended mooring location, to which the candidate again replied, "Oh, THAT one." At this point boat ran aground and assessor terminated the assessment.
Candidate: Tore (mate)
Assessor: Andy (skipper)
Manouver assessed: Coming into mooring
Description: Candidate was asked to enter Whispering Reeds dyke on Hickling broad to moor, wind position meant that sailing along the dyke would be a beam reach.
Candidate's approach: Candidate headed for a position upwind of the entrance to the dyke and ordered the sails to be lowered. At this point the assessor felt it necessary to remind the candidate that the intended mooring dyke was still some distance away, further downwind, to which the candidate replied, "Oh, THAT one." Candidate then resumed sailing and moved to a position downwind of the entrance to the dyke, and ordered the sails to be lowered again, stating that he would proceed into the dyke under the power of the jib. At this point the assessor felt it necessary to point out the difficulty of moving upwind under the jib alone. Candidate appeared confused. Assessor felt it necessary to again clarify the specific intended mooring location, to which the candidate again replied, "Oh, THAT one." At this point boat ran aground and assessor terminated the assessment.
A song for the cooks
to the tune of 'Our Lord God'
by author unknown / mallards 2001
by author unknown / mallards 2001
Ah three cooks
Thou hast made the breakfast and the tea by thy great power
Ah three cooks
We all love your porridge and your choccy custard is just grand
Nothing is too difficult for thee,
Not even scrambled eggs, and chilli
Oh Vicki, Vicki and Sash,
Quite good company and jolly attractive too (doodle oodle ooh)
Nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing,
Nothing is too difficult for ye...
...three.
Thou hast made the breakfast and the tea by thy great power
Ah three cooks
We all love your porridge and your choccy custard is just grand
Nothing is too difficult for thee,
Not even scrambled eggs, and chilli
Oh Vicki, Vicki and Sash,
Quite good company and jolly attractive too (doodle oodle ooh)
Nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing,
Nothing is too difficult for ye...
...three.